I think one of the things that can really get us into trouble as a parent is taking our children’s behavior personally. When we assume that they are doing things with ulterior motives or that their behavior is somehow personally directed at us, we often are not seeing things clearly–and can take things in a completely wrong direction.
Let’s say that your child is leaving dirty socks and shoes by the front door when she comes home from school. Of course, you would like her to put her dirty socks in the hamper and put her shoes where they belong as well. You’ve probably asked, insisted and tried to cajole her into changing the behavior. If she continues to do it is she doing it just to spite you? Is it her way of trying to tell you she hates you and she doesn’t have any respect for your rules and requests? Chances are none of those things are true and it is really more of a lack of concern–she’s either too busy, lazy, or just doesn’t care enough to put the socks and shoes away. It has become a habit that is easier to continue than to change. It is not personal. Just because you think she “knows” how you feel about it, doesn’t mean that her disobedience is a direct attack.
It can be tough as a human being and as a parent not to take things personally. Sometimes, our children are trying to get our attention with their behavior, but often times their motivation is much less menacing and calculated than we assume. I know that I get tired of hearing things like “I forgot” or “I wasn’t thinking” but I know that sometimes that IS the best explanation for why my kids have done the things they have done. I have learned that if I take myself and my own feelings out of the equation, I can often figure out what is really going on with much more accuracy and then can more successfully begin to address it.
Also: Does This Action Demand a Response From Me?
Sometimes, There’s More of a Reward for Misbehavior Than for Good Behavior