The reality of many single parents’ life is that they do not always have their children with them. While from what I have learned we do have to have boundaries and allow the other parent to manage things while the kids are at his or her house that just is not always practical. I know for a fact, that even after several years, my kids still call me from their dad’s house with concerns, issues, needing money, etc. and there tends to be a bit of overlap. Plus, we might get calls from the school or need to arrange doctor’s appointments and we find ourselves trying to maneuver the frustrating reality of parenting from afar…
There are several considerations we deal with when parenting our children when they are not at our house: trying to cooperate and not step on the parent who has the current responsibility, following up with the child about decisions that are made, providing the support and encouragement that is necessary without being too intrusive. I know from personal experience that it can be hard to figure out where to draw the lines. It can get emotional and hard to maintain perspective. When our children are with us, in our home, it may seem really clear what the rules are and what our parental role and responsibilities are—but when they are at the other parent’s home, it can get more confusing. If there is a step-parent in the mix, it can get even tougher. Do we intervene? Do we step back? How can we tell when we are really needed or if the child is trying to get us to rescue them or they are trying to stir things up between the two parenting factions?
I do think that, if possible and appropriate, parents should have access to their kids when they are at the other parent’s house and that the kids should feel free to call, talk things over, etc. Perhaps the best thing is for the distance parent to touch base with the parent who is “in charge” to see how he or she can help, supplement, support, etc. so that everyone stays on the same page. The truth is that we often do stay involved when our children are at the other house, but we still need to respect boundaries, and establish working relationships and guidelines to make sure the children stay protected and tended to, without creating dysfunctional problems for the parents.