It’s tough work, being a parent. It seems like every other day, I read something that lets me know that I am doing something incorrectly as far as how I have been parenting my little boy. That’s okay, though, I am open to new ideas and to learning which things make sense for me and my family and which ideas are best left to other people and their own families. Today, I read some interesting information about how praising children can do them more harm than good.
Until about an hour ago, I was generously doling out praise to Dylan (and now Blake) since they were born. Some of the praise has been done properly, but some has been of the type that some parenting experts are now saying is damaging. It turns out that praising results (“good job”) instead of effort (“you did it”) can cause problems for kids down the road.
The problem is not in building your child’s self esteem. In fact, it is good to build your child’s self esteem by noticing their efforts in a meaningful way, saying things like “you did it” or “I can see that you worked very hard on that”. Even absent any commentary from you, your child will know that she is succeeding (or not) based upon the feedback, or consequences, that she experiences as a result of her efforts. For example, if a toddler is learning to tie his shoes, he will know that he is not doing it right if the shoes are not tied after he tries maneuvering the shoelaces. If he moves the shoelaces and he sees that the shoe is then tied, he will know that he has done it correctly.
The phrase “good job” is one praise phrase which has been singled out as problematic. One potential pitfall of praise is that it can turn kids into “praise junkies” who come to need our approval for every little thing and who feel like they are failing if we (or others) forget to say the “magic words”. Also, praise that praises the person “you’re so smart” versus the result “See how happy your brother is now that he is having a turn with that toy” can eventually cause a child to avoid trying new, more challenging things because they fear failure.
Dylan and Blake are sleeping now, but when they wake up tomorrow, I am going to see whether I can change my “bad habit” of saying “nice job” and focus instead of observing and making positive remarks about what I see or refraining from comment altogether.