Recently I read an article Babycenter by Gwen Dewar, Ph.D called Praise that Makes Kids Feel Stupid. The article spoke about the detrimental effect of telling a child “You’re so smart.” On the surface this may sound illogical to you. After all, we are supposed to uplift and praise our children, right? If we do not praise our children they will lack the confidence to achieve, right?
Wrong. The article maintains: People who believe that intelligence or talent is fixed and innate become helpless in the face of failure. The concept is illustrated by a child who does poorly on a math test. Since the child believed himself to be smart as his parents, grandparents and loved ones never lie to him, he expects to achieve a high score. Sadly, he scores low and gives up. He sees no reason to face a challenge or take steps to improve. In fact, challenge is not a word in his vocabulary. Being so smart and talented nothing should be challenging, right? If he sits to paint a portrait of this family and it looks more like a family of bears he gives up the easel and beret. So what is missing?
Contrast this with people who believe that intelligence and talent are shaped by effort. These people get excited by challenges. They pay attention to mistakes and work hard to correct them.
And those talented, brilliant high-achievers in the world? The ones who dazzle us with their abilities? They weren’t born that way. They worked their butts off.
When my oldest was a toddler she was constantly being told she was smart. She did “smart” things. She spoke in sentences and used big words for a child of her age. My husband and I always cringed when she was told she was smart. As students of psychology we understood that this type of praise while well intended could have negative impact. Later, I watched the result of this as my child gave up easily on concepts which required effort. Many things of the academic sort came easy to her which reinforced the idea she was innately intelligent. Sure, she may be intelligent and there are certainly levels of intelligence. No matter how much effort I put into it, I will never be Stephen Hawking. Yet, the first time she was told she made a mistake she was devastated. She could not believe she actually missed something in her little workbook. From that point on phonics became her arch enemy. Ten years later it still is on the top 10 things she hates. Did this all come from well meaning loved ones calling my daughter “smart” and my daughter buying into it? Maybe. Maybe not. I believe personality also plays a role in how one manifests praises, failures, and successes.
So what is a parent to do? Should we sit stone faced and respond coldly as our children play the Hungarian Rhapsody at the ripe ole age of 2? A child may be innately talented or intelligent but the reinforcement should be placed on the child’s effort to use his gift not on having the gift. When we are potty training we praise effort and accomplishment for that act. Why? Because we want to reinforce the behavior. Praises to our children need to reinforce their effort not their innate ability. If we simply praise innate characteristics a child will have difficulty with failure and will give up at the first sign of trouble.