For many women, the relationship they have with their spouse’s parent or parents can be a tedious one. When a new bride steps into the picture, she is entering established territory: a family with a long history and its own set of rules, expectations and hang-ups. Sometimes you see a woman form a strong friendship with her new mother-in-law, but more often than not, there is a little turbulence. It’s understandable; his parents may feel like they are losing a family member or they might be concerned about his new life. Some moms have a difficult time letting go and take it personally when the new woman in their son’s life does things a little differently. Family gatherings can become a little tense when the wife and the mom don’t see eye to eye.
Pregnancy has the potential to build strong bonds between a woman and her mother-in-law. For no longer are they mother and wife to the same man; instead they are two moms, each with their own child. But on the flip side, pregnancy can worsen an already tedious relationship. They are mother and grandmother to the same sweet baby, which can be the foundation for even more arguments over the best way to raise the child. The conflict simply shifts from the subject of the husband to the child and nothing has changed.
If you find yourself in the second scenario, and are already bumping heads with your spouse’s parents about the way you will parent your child, you have a rocky road ahead, but not an impossible one. The ball is in your court, as the mother, because this new life is ultimately your responsibility, not the grandparents’.
When you’re talking about subjects such as whether you will work or stay home, for example, be respectful of their opinion but be firm about your own. Do not criticize them; after all they raised your husband and he turned out OK, right? At the same time, if you are unsure about something, don’t even discuss the subject. They will respect you for having a firm stance if you can back it up, but if you haven’t really made up your mind, they will either feel uneasy or try to make up your mind for you. Both outcomes are undesirable. Even though most people have very strong opinions about parenting, there is no one set way to raise a child. Every decision throughout the child’s life will have to be carefully considered in light of both the child’s needs and the surrounding circumstances. What worked for your husband as a kid may not work for your child. Take it as it comes. Be graceful and understanding. Most importantly, be kind!
Include your in-laws as much as possible with the lighter aspects of pregnancy. Involve your mother-in-law with shower planning, registering for gifts, picking out nursery items and clothes, and decorating. Invite your father-in-law to help out with putting the nursery furniture together or finishing up last minute projects before the baby arrives. This is an area in which your in-laws can feel important and involved, and chances are, no one is going to get into a heated argument over which outfit your baby comes home in or in which corner you place the crib.
Getting along with your in-laws is all about dodging the mountains that don’t really matter and jumping into the puddles that do. Allow your spouse to be the one to approach serious subjects if necessary. Be confident in your ability as a wife and mother, and hopefully over time, your in-laws will fall in love with you the same way your spouse did, and accept you with all your quirks and differences. But since you weren’t “there first,” you’ll have to graciously do so first. You don’t have to agree with them on every point, but his parents deserve respect for raising the father of your child. If you married him, they must have done something right!
Do you get along with your in-laws? Did pregnancy change your relationship for the better or worse?
Read Part I of this series here.