Earlier this morning I introduced the important topic of privacy as it pertains to adolescents and parents. While I wrote about WHY I think how we negotiate privacy issues can be such a big deal in the teen years, I also wanted to talk about the areas where I think we need to figure out how we will handle privacy issues with our teens.
Some of the biggies when it comes to teens and privacy are their rooms, their possessions and things like book bags, journals, e-mail messages, etc. I think that a general rule of thumb can be that unless you have good reason to suspect that something dangerous or illegal is going on (criminal behavior, drugs, dangerous choices) then creating an expectation that you will allow your child space and privacy is reasonable. We can set very clear boundaries and expectations by telling our teen: I will allow you to manage your room, schoolwork, etc., and unless I have reason to suspect that you are doing something illegal or dangerous, I will respect that privacy. But you need to hold up your end of the deal by being respectful and not taking advantage of that.”
I do think there should be some hands-off things like journals and diaries, notes, notebooks, mail, etc. I feel really strongly that once we invade our teen’s privacy on things like this, it is nearly impossible to re-build the trust and even if the teen is naughty and we have “just cause”—reading a teenager’s diary or rummaging around and snooping for private messages is parenting behavior that can destroy the parent-child trust AND make it hard for a child to feel like she can have her boundaries respected. Listening in on phone conversations and reading e-mail are also sure-fire ways to create some big problems. Instead, we can teach our children about communication and respect by talking to them when we suspect a problem or we have a concern. Yes, we should know their friends and know what they are up to, but as parents we can do this without invading their privacy and by showing them that we allow them to have some space.
Keep in mind that our teenagers are in transition, as are we as parents. Adolescence is a period for them to learn how to be responsible, independent and self-managing and it is our job as a parent to help them get there.