Information really is power; how, what, and when to share can have a far-reaching impact on our ability to foster intimacy in our relationships. It is almost a rite of passage, for instance, for a new couple to explore one another’s past—first loves, first kisses, and even the first big heartbreak. These conversations both require and build a significant level of trust, as they reveal how we act and react at our most vulnerable moments. So what does it mean when your partner refuses to share?
It can mean many things; the problem, of course, is that we often assume it means one thing: you have a secret. And if it’s a secret you aren’t willing to share, it must be a dirty, little secret. If you have been following my blog, you may remember me referring to one of the basic laws of physics which states that whenever energy (in whatever form) is out of equilibrium with its surroundings, it will expand to fill the available space. I was alluding to the tendency of people, when information is not uniformly shared, to rush in and fill that void with a version of their own making. You can bet that the ‘secret’ you’re not sharing will be infinitely juicier as a result of being withheld. That said, it doesn’t necessarily follow that you need to share every detail of your past or present life.
So the big question is—how do you distinguish between an appropriate level of privacy, and inappropriate secrets? The most obvious litmus test is whether or not the information is something you are concealing because the knowledge is shameful to you, and/or might hurt your partner if they found out. In the event that the shame or hurt is associated with on ongoing activity, it is probably an inappropriate secret, and is already undermining trust and preventing true intimacy from developing. If it is related to some action in your past, then it needn’t be shared unless it impacts your current partner and your life together.
The topic most often broached around the subject of privacy versus secrecy is the nature of current relationships with past lovers, or friends of the opposite sex. These can be tricky. Even if your intentions are nothing but honorable, it is always necessary to take into account the feelings and desires of the other party. While it can be flattering to have someone desire or need you, a true friend will not lead on another, knowing that your ultimate goals are not compatible. And if your goals are compatible, you are in a whole lot more trouble than just determining what to tell and what to keep to yourself.
My husband and I have developed a set of rules over the years, to ensure that those types of relationships don’t become a problem. First, they cannot be kept secret from one another. If I am in touch with an ex-boyfriend, I tell him about it and he does the same. In this age of Facebook reunions and internet connectedness, temptations abound. Especially when former lovers live far away, an ‘innocent flirtation’ can feel harmless. If it truly is harmless, then tell your spouse about it, that way it is sure to stay that way.
Second, though we don’t need to be an integral part of the friendship, we need to be acknowledged publicly, to be a part of the conversation. As his best friend and life partner, I can’t imagine that my husband could have many in-depth conversations that didn’t include at least an oblique reference to our communal life together. If you find yourself avoiding talk about your partner, that friendship has just slipped into dangerous territory. It is time to end it.
Third, no disrespect concerning either our relationship or our partner will be tolerated from the ex or the friend. Though it is common to use friends as a sounding board or to vent your frustrations, it is never OK for your friend to run down your relationship or your spouse. Marriage is hard enough; what we need from our friends is support and encouragement, not criticism. It is crucial that they know who comes first; those friends who naturally abide by these rules are welcome additions to our lives. Those who don’t usually fall by the wayside pretty quick.
And finally, we do not rely on friends of the opposite sex to help us work through personal issues that might otherwise be discussed with each other. Intimacy in a relationship is not just about physical closeness, but about emotional and intellectual bonding. Working through problems, though often difficult, helps you and your partner define both the spaces where you merge, and the places where you are separate. It gives you the opportunity to know one another at a very deep level—you share dreams, hopes, aspirations, mistakes, and fears. Engaging in that process with another can be an even greater betrayal to your spouse than a physical relationship. Do not fool yourself that if you’re not sleeping with someone, then you are not having an affair. Ten to one, you are not being honest with either your spouse or your friend regarding the depth of your involvement with the other; these types of secrets can destroy a marriage.
The lesson here is that keeping a secret and maintaining your privacy are two very different things; learning to tell the difference can be critical to the success of your relationship. A secret is defined as something “done, made, or conducted in a manner that prevents them from being observed or detected; hidden from sight; concealed.” While private is defined as “confined to or intended only for the person or persons immediately concerned.” The key difference seems to be the impact on others. Privacy makes a concession to that, while secrecy does not. Beware the secret-keeper who does it ‘for your own good’. In my experience, that usually translates into ‘I am afraid of how you may react, so I will control what you know and don’t know, and thereby, control the outcome.’
Unfortunately, when partners have unequal privacy needs, it’s tempting for one to feel that the other is holding something back, not making the final commitment to a full and abiding love. Resist the urge to imagine what or why they aren’t telling. Most of the time, it has nothing to do with you. It may be because of past heartbreaks or betrayals, but I have another theory. What most partners want more than anything is the love and approval of their spouse. If they aren’t sharing a part of their past, or even their feelings about something in the present, it’s because they feel that the other knowing may threaten their ongoing supply of that necessary thing. So be gentle with one another, and mindful of the impact your secrets may have on the other. After all, he/she is your best friend. Act accordingly.