In our family, we have a few kids who have been through a lot of trauma in their short lives and often have difficulty expressing themselves in an honest and open way. They have learned to be People Pleasures, always saying exactly what they think the recipient wants to hear. Maybe, in some circles, this is seen as an admirable trait but I consider it less than healthy. It causes far more problems than it solves. When asked what his most admirable trait is, one of our children often says, “I’m very flexible”. What he means, but can’t yet express, is that he’s capable of doing or saying exactly what any given scenario or person expects. And while this is admirable in some ways and he will likely grow up to be quite capable in the business world, interpersonally it means he never really connects with other people in an authentic way.
For instance, these children quickly learn to play their parents off each other in order to make their parents, individually, happy but also to get what they want! Most children experiment with this to some degree at one time or another but this is one of the major ways of relating for these children. The relationship lacks authenticity because the children never let their guard down; they rarely just act like themselves. They are very busy trying to be exactly who they think everyone else expects them to be. This is also extended to teachers, peers, extended family members, etc. These children become master manipulators in an effort to feel loved. They are extremely susceptible to peer pressure for the same reason.
When behavioral or other issues arise, these children can be very difficult to communicate with. Their opinions can’t be trusted as genuine or heart-felt. We must balance whether they are truly sharing their feelings or simply saying what they feel we want to hear in the moment. As parents, we have learned to really limit the opportunities for input so as not to continually put them “in the middle”. But sometimes there are problems that we must have open communication with the child in order to get to the bottom of the issue.
One tactic that we have used for years that has helped, hands down, more than any other tactic is journaling. For children who have trouble communicating their feelings and true thoughts, face to face, the journal can be a window into the child’s true self. When problems arise, we might specifically ask the child to address the issue in the journal – just a simple spiral-bound notebook will suffice. These journals are meant to be shared. We might give specific questions that they should address in their writing. We usually ask that they spend a minimum of one half hour writing out their feelings, brainstorming and coming to conclusions. A minimum amount of time prevents the children from doing what they do by habit – rattling off what they think we want to hear as succinctly as possible and being done with it. It makes me think. Aside from journaling’s various other therapeutic properties, writing for communication bypassing their natural urge to read our body language in order to determine what it is we are hoping they will say. They don’t fear our response. They can explore, more slowly and consciously, what they REALLY feel and mean and commit it to paper.
After they write, we look over their thoughts together. Often times we don’t respond at all – keeping this one safe forum of communication free of judgment or criticism. We certainly don’t use it as an English lesson or ask for proper spelling or punctuation. Occasionally their writing will bring up further questions and we might ask them to elaborate in certain ways. But it is important to keep the writing pure and free in order for it to continue to be a true tool for self-expression.
As they are growing, we are slowly starting to see more and more unique opinions openly expressed, not just in writing. We couldn’t be happier, even when we disagree! Writing has really helped these children connect with their own individuality and learn that we respect them even if we don’t agree. We will continue to use this tool as long as is helpful in order to further a healthy and open communication through the yeras ahead.