One of the realities of family life is that we recognize similarities among family members. From the moment of birth or the moment a child first comes into our home, it seems, we start to claim them and identify how looks and behaviors seem to come from somewhere else. This can actually be a positive way of bonding as a family but if we get too carried away, and cling to insisting upon projecting our character traits, dreams, etc. onto our child, it can create problems.
It is not always the positive traits that we project onto our child either, sometimes we dump the things we do not like about ourselves onto our child and then react negatively too them. Other times, we may want so badly for our child to carry on our legacy or ‘be good’ at the same things we are, that we do not really see the child for the separate, individual person that he or she actually is.
This can be inhibiting, confusing, and frustrating to a child—not to mention the damage it can do to our relationship with them. The unhealthy enmeshment of boundaries and the inability to interact as two distinctively separate people can be damaging. As the older, wider, more experienced parent, it is up to us to identify how we might be projecting our traits onto our child and find a way to let that go. It might be necessary to get counseling or therapy to help us to identify what and why we are doing it, and learn the skills to allow our child to be themselves and to separate from them.
If your child is constantly saying things like “I’m not you” or “I’m not like that” you might be having a hard time NOT projecting your own traits onto your child.
See Also: The MENTAL HEALTH Blog