My last blogs talked about the difficulties siblings may experience in an adoption and the positives of having siblings in adoptive families.
In our experience, my three-year-old was very loving toward his one-year-old sister initially. He would often sigh and comment, “Wow, babies sure cry a lot” (we’d prepared him for this), but generally seemed okay. A few months later, however, he did have a couple of times yelling “send that baby back to Korea!” This was especially hard for us to hear before the adoption was finalized. Afterwards it didn’t bother us so much.
I believe one of the most helpful things people can do for all older siblings is to help them understand that it is not this particular baby deliberately taking their parents’ time and affection. Rather, it is all babies who naturally need a large amount of time and attention. Try to expose your child to friends with babies. Let him see the messy times as well as the cute times. One of the best strategies is to show your child pictures of when he was a baby. Talk about how sometimes you thought he would never stop crying, but talk also about how much you enjoyed spending time with him. Talk about things you enjoy doing with him now, and admit that you miss (or will miss) having as much time with him now that there’s a baby in the house (do not say, “now that Susie’s here”). Show him on the calendar when you can set aside time for “mommy and me” to do something—whether it’s going to a show or festival or just baking cookies or playing a board game.
You may also consider whether a child would enjoy being in a preschool-type environment for a few hours a week while you tend your new child. (In an ideal world, you would put the new child down for a nap just as the older child came home—but my daughter had her own ideas.) This puts the emphasis not on, “I can’t play with you because I have to feed the baby” but on “you get to play with your friends and Teacher Jean while I feed the baby.” However, some children might feel shunted aside if they are sent to school just as the baby comes home. You know your own children best. If possible, it is best to make major changes, such as starting preschool or moving your child out of his crib or his bedroom, several months before the baby comes.
Several books are available to explain adoption to children. Some especially for siblings are: William is My Brother, Seeds of Love, and Things Little Kids Need to Know. Try to read a couple of these both before and after your new child comes home.
Please see these related blogs:
Kids’ Books on Domestic Adoption and General Adoption Themes
Closely Spaced Siblings? 10 Tips to Survive the First Few Months
Helping Siblings Adjust To A New Baby
Preparing the Sibling-In-Waiting Before Adoption Occurs