Pulling In the Reins Parents Families.com

This blog is about letting your kids make their own decisions and solve their own issues. Not in the traditional sense, no this blog is not about letting your kids decide what they want to do with their life, or what clothes they want to wear. It’s about letting them choose solutions for their misbehavior. It’s called pulling in the reins and it is a part of a larger set of techniques that fall under the heading of you solve it, or I’ll solve it and you won’t like my solution. Kind of blunt, but it works.

This technique is recommended in the book, Try and Make Me, by Ray Levy and Bill O’Hanlon. Here’s how to pull in the reins when your child is misbehaving or being defiant.

For example, if your child is arguing with you about an issue such as not being able to go and visit a friend, you would give him an ultimatum with “wide parameters”.

Example: “You can talk about that anywhere else but here or you can stay here with me and be quiet.”

If the child continues to argue about the issue, don’t repeat the first options, take away the most desirable one and replace it with another choice.

Example: “ You can talk about that anywhere else but here or you can go to your room.”

As you see, the child no longer has the option of staying with you if he continues to argue.

Of course, most defiant kids will continue to argue so at this point continue to offer less desirable choices.

Example: “You can either go to your room or go to time-out.”

The child continues, you counter with the final choice:

Example: “You can go to time-out alone or would you like me to help you?”

If necessary, you may have to physically take the child to time out, if that’s your final step. Eventually your kids will start making the right decisions on their own so that you don’t have to do it for them. This is one of those techniques that I can personally vouch for. I’ve tried it and it works. On Saturday I had an appointment in New Orleans and on the way back here to Mobile, Tyler was playing with a badmitton set that his father gave him. I explained that he couldn’t play with it in the car and warned him that if he didn’t stop I would take it. Of course, he continued so I told him that he could put the set down on the back seat or I would take it. Nothing. So, I told him to pass it to me. Still nothing. So I reached in the back and took it from him. In the past I would have gone back and forth with him but after giving him the chance to do the right thing and having him make the wrong decision, I solved the problem for him.

It’s a fairly simply technique to follow as long as you remember to do it without arguing, yelling, screaming or negotiating. You will also need to think ahead and decide what choices you will offer. Yesterday Tyler was running around making a lot of unnecessary noise. I asked him to please turn down his volume. He actually got louder so I told him that if he didn’t turn down his volume he would have to go to bed early, immediately, in fact. Did he turn down his volume? You bet. He made the choice so that I didn’t have to make it for him.