The more information we give to our teenagers the better able an adopted child will be to answer the abstract questions. Some teens believe adoption is the reason for all of their problems and that everything would be perfect if something else happened. Some adopted teenagers will think reunion with their birth family would solve all their problems. Other adopted teens may not have issues about adoption compared with other teenage issues they have in their lives. It can be difficult to determine if the anger in an adolescent is due to adoption or just being a teenager.
Teens work through the complexities they are facing and develop their critical thinking skills. This is a time in development of children where they begin to answer questions about themselves and develop their own identity. All teens answer the following questions on their own:
- What is family?
- Why do they have to listen to parents who didn’t give birth to them?
- What is their relationship to their birth family?
Adoptive parents can help their children explore these questions–if their child lets them know what they are thinking. If teenagers believe their opinions will be respected they may ask questions and parents may be able to help them manage the answers and make adoption a less elusive issue.
Often, teenagers don’t want their parents to know anything about what they might be thinking, especially with personal feelings or issues. Adoptive parents can focus providing their child with support by discussing other people and other situations. It can be easier to have a conversation when parents talk about more general issues. Parents may pose answers in general ways. For example saying, “Some adopted people feel…” or “I know an adopted person who feels…”
Parents can offer their children support by arranging for counseling, and involvement in support groups. Teenagers are more likely to talk openly with anyone who is not their parents. Parents might help their child explore feelings by doing some of the following things:
- Suggest adoption as one of their themes for an essay or journal writing project in school.
- Talk about family history and family structure, point out marriages, divorces, adoptions and family details that are interesting about their adoptive family.
- Suggest a genetic study for a science project. Investigate traits and characteristics which are inherited or acquired.
- For social studies work with your adopted student and discuss how families are formed, and how adoption is a choice for people who face an unplanned pregnancy.
- Teach your adopted teenager positive adoption language.
Critical thinking skills are a developmental milestone for all growing teenagers. Perhaps, one of the most important skills is a sense of independence and acceptance of their own identity. Honest and true answers to our adopted child’s questions gives them the freedom to think and process all the facts that make them who they are for themselves.
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For more information about parenting special needs children you might want to visit the Families.com Special Needs Blog and the Mental Health Blog. Or visit my personal website.