When I was growing up, I can remember my parents saying things like, “You’ve lost our trust” or “How can we trust you now?” If I remember correctly, this was most likely during my teenage years when I did all sorts of naughty and irresponsible things–or when I slipped from my normally overly-responsible eldest child role. Now that I have teenagers of my own, I can see just what a slippery slope the whole trust issue really is.
One of my daughters put the trust issue right on the table a few months ago when we were having a rocky time and I told her that I was having a hard time trusting her when she told me things. She asked pointblank, “What can I do to re-build that trust?” I didn’t have an immediate answer. After all, trust is one of those things that can be illusive and precarious. We want people to “earn” our trust and then one human mistake can “shatter” or “destroy” the trust that took years to build. With teenagers and children, as parents we have to expect that they are going to make mistakes and do irresponsible things—and yet we get so disappointed and hurt when they do.
I have come to the conclusion that trusting my kids is really more of a leap of faith for me than something they should have to continuously earn. If I assume they are untrustworthy, then they will likely be, while if I trust them blindly, they will likely disappoint me. Somehow, over time, we just have to work at it together. I treat them as though I expect them to be trustworthy, and they try to hold up their end. Sometimes they falter and we have to rebuild things a bit, but overall, I’ve learned some important lessons about unconditional trust just from being a mom.
It helps to focus on all the great things they do, and all the times they ARE trustworthy, instead of just on the one time they miss curfew or do something irresponsible or stupid. Those times should hold a fair amount of weight when it comes to trust instead of putting all the weight on the mistakes. I think a parent can learn to maintain trust, while still being prepared for the inevitable faltering and flailing. After all, we are teaching our children a great deal about trust and strength of character when we work with them to maintain and rebuild trust in our parent-child relationship.
See Also: Trust and Attachment