Marriage is often depicted as a ‘happily ever after’ that occurs after the wedding. For most marriages, however, ‘happily ever after’ is a constant adventure in the evolution of a relationship. There are tidal forces of life that ebb and flow surrounding the marriage. These forces can lead to greater intimacy, distance, depth of friendship and commitment and turbulent times.
There are both positive and negative aspects in every marriage. One partner may be more dominant than another. Passive aggressiveness may play a role. Growth and development are definitely key. When children are introduced, the dynamic changes even more.
What couples struggle with, every day, is the reality that the person they married however long ago, is not always the person they are with today. Individuals change. Life changes people, sometimes fundamentally, sometimes just through shifting values. The introduction of children is definitely one of the largest changing tidal forces in a marriage.
Relationships, all relationships, are based on familiarity. Our families, for example, are the people who raised us, grew up with us and shared in many major life events associated with our childhood and development. It is said ‘you cannot choose your family’ but ‘you can choose your friends.’ When marriage becomes based solely on familiarity, it’s time to re-evaluate.
This re-evaluation is not based on the idea of ‘it’s not working anymore, let’s get divorced.’ No, this re-evaluation is for both partners in the relationship. Ultimately, it can lead to a deeper, meaningful time that allows both to get to know each other as the people they are now.
Love and respect go a long way in the re-evaluation process, but so must acceptance and the relinquishment of assumptions, both negative and positive. The following questions are a good way for both partners to re-evaluate together.
· Do you regularly spend time with just your partner?
· Are you best friends?
· Is the spark still there?
· Is your love life satisfying for both of you?
· Do you talk to each other every day? Or do you just occupy the same space?
· Are you closer to friends or colleagues than you are your partner?
· Is your partner the first one you share news with, both good and bad?
· Are you seeking entertainments in different directions?
· Do you strive to get the most of life with each other?
· Do you support each other?
· Do you share a similar vision of where you are going together?
It’s important to answer these questions honestly and to listen without judgment. One partner may have a sense of unhappiness that they are reluctant to share for fear of hurting the other. In this exercise, it’s important to remember this isn’t about hurting or feeling pain. It’s about communicating inner thoughts, desires and dreams. It’s about being honest.
Remember, together means good and bad. Working together is a healthy alternative to suffering or letting a gulf of distance open that may become to impassable to reach across. This is not referring to issues of abuse or where affairs are involved. Those are deeper problems and may require the intervention of a professional.
So, turn the television or computer off, sit down and have a good meal together and talk. Getting to know your partner again and giving them the chance to know you can provide your marriage and you personally with a wealth of surprises and happiness.