Reviewing all these adoption books has got me wondering. I’ve always read adoption books to the kids, but not ones that focus on birthmothers as much as the ones I’ve been reading lately.
Over and over I read interviews with adopted teens and adults saying that they were curious about their birthparents and longed to talk about them, but their adoptive parents didn’t seem open and/or the kids feared hurting the adopted parents’ feelings. Social workers now seem to counsel parents to speak openly about birthparents. Recently a spate of books dealing with birthparents have been published, such as Mommy Far, Mommy Near; Did My First Mother Love Me? We See the Moon, The Tummy Mummy and Never, Never, Never Will She Stop Loving You, as well as the classic The Mulberry Bird.
I don’t want my children to think they can’t wonder about their birthparents. They know their birthmother’s name and that they grew in her tummy. We read The Three Names of Me (to read my review of it, click here) and they seemed interested but not terribly moved.
But sometimes I wonder if our bringing it up is helpful to the children, or if they think we are emphasizing their difference from their brother; emphasizing that they were not born to us. I don’t want them to feel sad or guilty about their birthmother. (At least one expert has agreed with me in saying that we shouldn’t tell our kids that their birthmother “must be very sad from missing you.”
I have one adult friend who was adopted from Korea as a baby. She is now beginning a search for her birthmother. I told her that some international adoptions and many if not most domestic adoptions are starting to be open from the beginning now. “Oh no,” she responded, “I wouldn’t have wanted to know my birthmother while I was growing up. That would have been confusing for me and my family. I think it’s good for some people to search when they’re eighteen.”
Granted this was her immediate reaction without taking time to reflect, and it probably reflected the prevalent attitude when we were growing up that open adoption was something “weird”.
I don’t want to overload the child with concepts they can’t understand. I want them to feel secure in our family. But I also want them to feel proud of where, and who, they came from.
I guess it goes back to the “ripples” concept expressed by adoption counselor Holly Gulden in her book Real Parents, Real Children: every so often, throw out a comment that could serve as a lead-in to a talk about adoption, race or birthparents and see if the child picks up on it. In this way the child can decide for him/herself when they are ready to ask questions, knowing their parents aren’t afraid to address the topic.
Stories and illustrations, though, make the topic much more real and “in your face”, so to speak. I honestly haven’t figured out if and when this is wise or not. I can’t help wondering how young is too young for these stories. It’s one thing if a child knows her birthmother, but another to introduce a fictional character whose story may or may not match the story of your child’s birthmother. Nonetheless, the books are helpful for parents to read while the children are young, to get us thinking about how we will handle those questions when they arise.
I’d love to hear your thoughts.
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