Don’t you hate arguing with your spouse? Most of us do, but realistically we know we aren’t always going to agree on everything. When we do disagree, we have to take care to debate issues fairly.
We often justify our arguments by telling ourselves that we are simply reaffirming something that is important to us. There’s nothing wrong with that, but there is the danger of using the old “never let it die” tactic, wherein we continue to rehash things from the past. This is a form of manipulation.
While this doesn’t mean we cannot discuss past problems that have yet to be resolved, it does mean that using old guilt trips should be off limits. We don’t want our spouses to hold the past against us, so we shouldn’t do it to them either.
Here’s a simple example:
Say a wife feels strongly about being informed of plans in advance. Perhaps the husband tends to invite people over impulsively without discussing it with his wife. She is then surprised to learn that company is on the way, but the living room needs to be vacuumed, there are toys all over, and she has no snacks or beverages on hand to offer guests. This can be very frustrating.
A wife might say, “You always do this to me! You invited John and Lisa over and the house was a mess and I hadn’t been shopping yet. You embarrassed me, and I told you then not to do this again!” This will ensure that the husband becomes defensive. Now, you’ll not only be fretting over how you’ll entertain guests, but you’ll also be arguing with your husband and likely be in an even worse mood when they arrive.
Instead, reaffirm why this is a source of frustration. You need your husband to consider your feelings and your time or other constraints before inviting guests. You need time to prepare before guests arrive, because you want to make them feel welcome.
The better approach would be, “Honey, I’d love to have Mike and Sue over, but I really need more notice next time. I would really appreciate it if you would talk to me before you extend an invitation. I would also appreciate some help now before they arrive.”
Sure, it’s easier said then done, especially when you’re in the middle of a tense situation. However, reaffirming instead of rehashing can help keep the situation calmer so you can actually make your point instead of it turning into a heated argument.
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