“Real Boys” was first introduced on the Oprah Winfrey Show some years ago. I bought it because I’d just had my first son, but to be honest (and sheepish) I actually didn’t read it until two days ago, and that son is nearly nine. I’ve also had two sons since then. Sometimes I’m a book slacker.
I was mainly interested in this book because I grew up in a household of all girls, and knew practically nothing about boys. I hoped this book would be the key to unlocking the mysterious gender and would guide me to be a better mother.
The main premise is that as a society, we tend to tell boys that emotions are girly, they shouldn’t cry, and that they need to buck up and take it like a man. When boys are experiencing real emotions of sadness but get the message that showing those emotions means they aren’t a real boy, they stuff their feelings and act out with anger and frustration. We can lessen the outbursts by listening to our sons express how they feel without mocking them.
The book also shows the tendency mothers have to pull away from their sons as their sons go through puberty. Mothers love and cuddle their little boys, but out of fear of inappropriate behavior, they stop being physically demonstrative as the boy gets older. He feels rejected and doesn’t know why.
There are chapters that deal with budding sexuality, and while I don’t agree with the doctor’s moral code, he does make some good points about providing enough information to our sons to help them through the maturation process.
Overall, I thought the book was a helpful guide. I also felt it was repetitive and rambling. It’s 398 pages long, not including the index, and I think it could easily have put across all the information in 100 pages. I don’t know if the author felt the need to provide scads of case studies to make his points more valid, but I sure could have done without the study after study after study. If you’re interested in the book, you could skim it and find the information that you need without having to read every word on every page.
I can’t say as that it changed my parenting outlook. I think that as mothers, if we follow our instincts, we’ll do all right. I do believe that the fathers would benefit from reading the book, because they were raised to show no emotion and so that’s how they believe their sons should be raised. But this is definitely a book you want to take case by case – many families are already doing everything right.
(This book was published in 1998 by Random House.)
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Keeping “Family Issues” in Perspective