I will never forget when my own parents divorced. My mom and dad had been married for 36 years when my mom left. I was 15 at the time and I distinctively remember feeling as if it were my entire fault. After all, it seemed that in the months leading up to her leaving, I heard them fighting – about me. I realize now as an adult that they were not actually fighting about me but over me.
Regardless, many children, even those without fighting parents, go through a phase where they feel guilty, as if they had some kind of power in stopping the divorce. For the single parent with custody, explaining to the children that they were not a part of the decision is tough. From their eyes, they fear being abandoned or losing the love of the non-custodial parent. While it may seem exaggerated, to the children these emotions are very real.
Think of family life from the child’s perspective for a moment. Kids rely on mom and dad for clothing, food, a warm bed, fun, and so on. In other words, the kid’s world revolves around family. Therefore, when this family unit is broken, the child is often sent into a tailspin of emotion. Not understanding the concept of everything happening, they simply grab at any conclusion possible, even if it means blaming themselves.
Today, one of every four children living in the United States resides in a single parent home. Whether from divorce, death, or actual abandonment, we have a crisis that every parent needs to consider. Sometimes, divorce happens, I know it did for me. However, the way in which you handle the divorce will make a significant difference in how well your children rebound.
In addition to telling your children that they had nothing to do with the divorce decision, they need to see and feel it. This means making sure the non-custodial parent has ample time with the children, the children can call mom or dad when they want, that both parents attend sporting events, parent/teacher conferences, or school plays together. Just because you and your spouse have divorced, the children have not. Therefore, realize that kids typically go through the self-blame game. Teaching them through words and actions that life is still good and they are not to blame will do wonders.
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