Even if you don’t let your kids watch the news, they likely know about the earthquake in Haiti through all the fund-raising projects going on (for more information about children’s fundraising projects, click here) and from hearing people talk about it. Maybe your child was afraid that they would be in an earthquake. Maybe you could get out of it by saying you don’t live in an earthquake zone. I couldn’t say that, so I’d have to go into detail about houses being built better, our earthquake kit having all the necessities in it, and having police and fire personnel as neighbors and friends.
It’s likely that most of us focused on reassuring children that they are safe. But some of our adopted kids may have concerns we haven’t thought about. The website fpr Adoptive Families Magazine contained an item from a woman whose daughter, adopted from China, feared that her birthmother died in the World Trade Center attacks on 9/11/01. Kids do not have the same understanding of distance as adults do. They may believe that China, New York or Iraq are just a day’s drive away from their home in Idaho. If they see an event replayed on TV, they may believe it is happening multiple times. Parents can help to correct these misconceptions.
But our children know that big, scary changes do happen, even to people who love them—a birthparent, for example. Reassure them that while a parent may decide not to parent a child because of poverty, once you are parenting them they are yours forever. They will still be with you even if your house or your job is lost.
Let them know what you safety precautions you have taken. Let older children know, too, who you have chosen as their guardian should you and your spouse be killed.
I try to do this relatively unemotionally—when it’s time to reset the clocks in spring and fall, it’s time to check smoke detector batteries, review fire escape routes,check your emergency kit and talk about your “just-in-case” plans. My children have classmates whose father died suddenly in his thirties without life insurance. They have been involved in fundraisers for this family, and I made a point of telling them that their dad’s work has life insurance for both of us that would mean enough money to take care of them if we should die.
Our children may have one further concern: as with the little girl in the Adoptive Families story, they may fear for their birthparents. Often they can be reassured that the part of the world where their birthparents live is far from the disaster (China is a very large country). For some of these children their birth parents may indeed have been near the earthquake in China less than two years ago.
Many adoption agencies have birth parents and adoptive parents agree that they will let the agency know if a birthparent dies or if a child dies. The agency will pass that information to the other party. This can help with medical issues or spare unnecessary uncertainty and searching. You can tell your child that you would likely know if anything had happened to their birthparent.
One resource for helping children process a disaster is a week of Sesame Street shows in which the neighborhood prepares for, experiences, and recovers from a hurricane which destroys Big Bird’s nest. These shows were originally aired in March 2001, and were aired again following the devastating hurricane seasons in 2004 and 2005. The five episodes have been edited together into the DVD release Friends to the Rescue.
Please see these related links:
This blog is about how much to encourage kids to help—fundraisers and involvement—and how much to not let the cares of the world intrude. What can they understand? What should they be involved with and what sheltered from?