My father-in-law is still recovering from major surgery over a year ago, and he’s struggling. But the big struggle is probably his emotional health as much as any other issues.
What has clearly shifted is that my mother-in-law, more than ever, has put him into the role of a child, helpless and incapable of functioning without her. There’s always been a certain element of that in their relationship — I need not go into details here – but these tendencies are more pronounced now that his body has begun to give out on him.
Whatever my father-in-law was like as a Dad raising three young children, what’s become clear to me, in my own understanding of him and his history, is that he spent little time developing any activities that were separate from family or business. He worked hard running his business and his free time was spent either with his family or reading up on real estate and the stock market. He did not follow sports, and he did not take up any, like golf or tennis. He did do some fishing and had a boat for a while, but again that was a family thing, not really something he ever did on his own. I don’t know if my wife remembers the last time he and my mother-in-law have ever really been separated from one another overnight in ages, other than when he’s been in the hospital. No conventions or conferences, or weekend fishing trips with the boys. All his trips have been with his wife. And even before this last round of surgery, he was very dependent on my mother-in-law for even the little things, like packing his clothing.
And now, as I think of where he is, that lack of independent activity has come back to haunt him, at least a little. In a sense, he’s got little to look forward to. This is not to say that he has not enjoyed his retirement, the time he’s had with his children and grandchildren, but that he’s had so precious little time for his own personal pleasures. Even some of the things he loved to do with his family or just my mother-in-law, like the annual trip to Las Vegas, are becoming too much for him (he’s become more claustrophobic and can’t stand to be in an airplane). I wonder if he had developed a passion for something like golf if he’d find a way to get back into it.
There’s no way to know, of course, but it’s given me pause to think about what I do for just myself, and how important it is to have those things, and to have as many of them as possible. I don’t play golf or tennis but I do play volleyball. I do write (when I get the chance!). I have some activities that are mine and only mine. I don’t envision a retirement where every waking moment is spent with my wife. Even on vacation, couples need a little “me” time; it’s true on the honeymoon and it’s true on the fortieth anniversary trip, too.
We have many roles to play in our lives. I love the role of “father” very much, and I’ve done okay as a husband, son and son-in-law. But I have the role of “me” to keep healthy, even as the other roles take so much of my time now, or I’ll lose that when I have more time to be me.