A reader recently shared a situation, and closed by asking, “What do I do?” While I could tell people what I think they should do, simply stating what I deem best is not going to resolve the situation; however, I can offer some friendly suggestions that may make it easier to decide how best to proceed. I decided to write this up instead of responding elsewhere, because I hope it may help others in similar situations.
Let me start by telling everyone that you deserve to be happy. You’ve heard it before, perhaps numerous times, but don’t just gloss over it. Say it to yourself. “I deserve to be happy.” This seems like a very simple and obvious concept but many of us don’t take it to heart. This truth may be even more difficult to embrace if you have been or are currently in a demanding relationship that doesn’t offer much in return for your efforts.
Relationships should benefit both people involved. If you seem to be doing most of the giving while the other person does most of the taking, what exactly are you gaining from being in that relationship? Love is meant to be shared, not taken.
If you don’t see a true potential for reciprocal love, continuing to give of yourself will likely leave you feeling resentful if it hasn’t already. Something else you may not realize is that the other person won’t be happy in a one-sided relationship either. He (or she) may seem happy at first, because he can do as he pleases and still count on your companionship, friendship, loyalty, love, and devotion, but he will likely keep demanding more.
Compare an all-take-no-give partner to a dreadfully spoiled child. The child seems happy when getting his or her own way. However, it’s never enough. The child will always want more. He or she will also lose respect for those that give in to every demand, but at the same time, if you are unable or unwilling to continue deferring to him or her, the child will look elsewhere for pleasure.
That’s why so many truly spoiled children grow up to commit crimes or do drugs. They demand instant gratification. They want everything given to them without putting in any effort and when parents no longer cater to their every whim, they become impulsive and reckless in their attempts to find constant pleasure.
The same is true of many selfish partners. No matter how much you give, it may never be enough. He’ll lose respect for you if you give too much without seeking reciprocity. And, despite your best efforts, you cannot be physically and emotionally available every second of the day. In fact, you may not want to because you’re getting nothing in return. The selfish partner does not see, or may not care, that you need something from him as well. He is too wrapped up in his own needs and desires, and if you can’t readily fulfill them for him, he is likely to look, or continue looking, outside the relationship for gratification.
If you believe your partner does have the potential to engage in an honest give/take relationship, and you hope to stay and improve the situation, my best suggestion is to seek pre-marital education before you consider taking the relationship to the next level.
This will give you an opportunity to see if the other person is willing to do the work necessary to build an equitably fulfilling and lasting relationship. If he refuses to attend, that’s a pretty good indicator that he isn’t as invested as you are. If he does agree to attend but does not open up and actively work to implement the recommendations, you should be seeing red flags.
Ask yourself if what you have with this person is enough for you and if you are willing to make a commitment to being treated this way for the rest of your life. “Until death do we part” is a long time.
~Best Wishes~
Related:
Dating: Listen to that Little Voice
How Long Should You Wait to Be Engaged?