Jealousy is perhaps one of the most unattractive feelings a person can experience. You may think it’s one of the worst things that can happen to a relationship, but it happens to a person before it happens to a relationship.
When the green-eyed monster affects a person it can change their behavior, triggering a nasty attitude and unkind words. Snippy comments can become vile and jealousy itself can alter perceptions of the person experiencing it. Suddenly, everything a spouse does can be seen as suspicious. Even the most normal of behaviors, things that would not be seen as out of the ordinary can become suspect.
Ultimatums may be issued including statements such as:
- If you ever see him again …
- It’s them or me …
- I don’t want to talk about that person again …
- If you cared about me at all, you’d stop seeing them …
The trouble is, the jealousy gambit puts your spouse in an untenable position. They are forced to choose between their caring for you and their own choices in life. Whether they choose the jealous spouse or not, the decision does not eradicate the jealousy – in fact, it may reinforce it.
For example, if Ted often spent one to two nights a week out with his friends, but Amy was jealous of the time he was out with the guys and demanded that Ted choose between she and them. If Ted chooses her, she will then begin to suspect he is resenting her (and rightfully so) for that choice. She may assume that any negative behavior on his part is a demonstration of his resentment and that if she hadn’t made the demand, he would never have chosen her willingly.
As you can see, this is a double negative situation – the jealousy will continue to feed in a vicious circle creating more tension and stress between the couple.
Since jealous often has roots in emotional struggles and power struggles from childhood or previous negative relationships, it may be a good sign for the two of you to seek relationship counseling to help one or both of you overcome the relationship anxiety and jealousy.
Most often, jealousy cannot be repaired by the non-jealous spouse – instead it takes conscious, forward action on the part of both parties to discover positive self-image and to feel better about themselves as individuals. As long as you feel bad about yourself, chances are – you will never believe your spouse feels better about you or believes in you.
Have you had to deal with jealousy in the past?
Related articles:
Do you have friends of the opposite sex?