Listening is one of the best skills a couple can develop together and individually in order to enhance their relationship. While communication is highlighted as one of the major areas where relationships breakdown, it’s not just about what you say, but what you hear and because listening is a skill that needs to be cultivated – a good listener can go a long way towards keeping the channels of communication open. It’s important to remember that listening skills have to be developed on an individual, person to person basis – you may not be able to improve your spouse’s listening skills – but you can improve your own.
Here are some tips on how to improve your listening skills:
- Stay in the present when you are talking to someone and listening to what they have to say – don’t tune them out or begin to think about all the other things you need to be doing. It’s important to hear what the other person is saying
- Listening means exactly that – it is not a passive activity, it’s an active one. Active listening means you hear what the other person is saying verbally, emotionally and non-verbally. They don’t need a commentary on what they are saying nor do they need advice unless they have asked for it. You’d be amazed how much better someone can feel when they know you’ve really listened to what they have to say
- Don’t Focus on Feel Helpless – Many people make bad listeners because they want to help and they don’t think that just listening and hearing is helping someone else
- Reframe or Repeat what you have heard, confirm in some manner that your hearing matches what the other person is saying – such as I get it, you’re saying that your upset because you feel like you are always waiting on us to get ready, etc
- Focus on their feelings – if they are upset, ask them about it and don’t offer up some anecdote from your past – one of the most annoying things in the world is to feel like the person you are talking to just wants to compete with you in a game of one upmanship for things going wrong or right
- When it’s your turn to respond – don’t just say “Well, this is what I would do …” instead, offer them real brainstorming suggestions and invite responses by asking what options have they explored and what about … remember, solutions that work for you may not work for someone else
Active listening can be a very difficult skill and it’s one where we trip ourselves up on a regular basis. It takes lots and lots of practice. Do you practice active listening in your relationships?
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