I know that most of you know that my life is full of teenagers and the grand lesson for parents of teenagers (and those teens) is learning how to let go, detach in some ways, and reconnect in others. As I look back, however, I can see how this has really been the process of parenting and family life all along and has taught me fabulous lessons that I can carry over into all areas of my life.
What I have learned about letting go and detaching is that it is not the cold-hearted, ignoring behavior that I used to think. I know when our children are tiny, it can be tough to imagine we will ever be able to detach from them. After all, I was the woman who would not let the nursing staff take my newborn firstborn out of the room to give her a bath! I made them do it there in the room next to my bed as I wasn’t going to let her out of my sight.
Instead, I’ve learned (who am I kidding? I’m STILL learning it!) that there is a great amount of love in letting go. Clinging and trying to force people, even our kids, to do things our way is really based on fear and fear is not conducive to love. Of course, I’m not advocating abandonment here—we parents can still parent and nurture and care, but we can do it without becoming unhealthily enmeshed or emotionally entangled. I’ve also learned that part of detaching and letting go is accepting that I am not “in charge” of my children’s lives and paths. There is something/someone much larger at work here than me and I can’t let my ego get so engorged that I think I always know what is best and what is meant to be.
You can probably see how these lessons can lap over into other areas of life. As someone who has experienced my fair share of loss and unsuccessful relationships (friends, jobs, partners, etc.), those parenting lessons have helped me learn how to detach and release in these other areas too. After all, I can’t make anyone do anything and detaching helps me to stay away from judgment and codependency. Parenting is a gift and raising our children gives us the opportunity to grow and develop in so many ways—both in our attaching and loving and in our detaching and loving too.
Also: You Don’t Always Have to Win
Will They Ever Be Responsible Enough for My Taste?
Letting Our Kids Live Their Own Lives