I remember when I was a kid and too young to be involved in psychology, pop or otherwise, I saw a TV show describing therapeutic method of the “Primal scream.” The idea is that we all have stressors in our lives. We are sometimes like pressure cookers. And sometimes we need to let out our negative emotions by…well…screaming. To avoid offending neighbors, or for professional supervision, people would gather together in groups and…umm..scream.
Many theories have come and gone since then. One view espoused by Australian psychologist and Rabbi Laibl Wolf is that “venting breeds venting.” Giving voice to our negative emotions without transforming them is not a way to eliminate them…it might just encourage them to come back.
However, there is no denying that, while it might be destructive to our social lives and personal interactions, screaming can feel good. It is scientifically proven to release endorphins or “happy hormones.” It can release stress. But this negative trait of screaming, of course, should not be encouraged, lest it become a habit.
I was thinking about this as a mother. How little frustrations build up and it is hard to let go of them. The 3 year old has another potty accident, the one year old breaks the wasabi jar (yes, that is serious!) the 6 year old jumps around and makes noise, the cake is burnt and there is no time for Calgon take me away! (i.e. a nice bubble bath) because I can’t even remember where I left my mind to make my way to the bathtub! I was also thinking about the irony that, as many challenges we face to our nerves, we don’t have the kind of time for in-depth learning that others may have. And often in those precious hours, we require extra sleep. So how can I make this season, the season of the High Holidays, spiritually meaningful when I barely have time to catch my breath and will consider myself lucky even to pray.
My husband brought a Chassidic thought from the Alter Rebbe’s Lukkutei Torah yesterday. The name of Hashem is made of four letters: Yud Kay Vav Key. When a person sins, G-d forbid, he damages the Yud, the highest part of Hashem’s name. It is the part that extra good deeds alone might not reach. Even if I had the time to do much more study, and spend much more time in prayer, I might not be able to fix that blemish without the most essential component: a cry from the heart.
The Alter Rebbe brings the verse from Tehillim: “They wandered in the wilderness in a desert way; they found no city of habitation. Hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted in them. Then they cried unto HaShem in their trouble, and He delivered them out of their distresses. And He led them by a straight way, that they might go to a city of habitation.
The Alter Rebbe explains that a person can try to “make up with” Hashem by calculating what mitzvos and resolutions he is going to do to compensate for his misdeeds. But this is in the realm of thought and calculation, and can’t repair the most essential flaw, the most essential brokenness, which can only be fixed by a sincere cry from the heart.
This might not mean actual yelling to Hashem, or a “primal scream,” but there is something within us that wants and needs to cry out, not out of negativity or to be destructive, but to fix and to heal. From these mundane frustrations of everyday life, we can cry out to G-d, be heard and fix what is broken, and what cannot be repaired by all of our planning and all of our extra time and thought.
So a simple cry for help to Hashem is worth all of those things I watch others do and don’t have time to do myself (at least not to the extent). And perhaps Hashem gives us these trials and challenges to bring women closer to G-d, to their essential connection which is deeper and higher than the male element of creation..(ahem…I didn’t invent this last point. Honest.)
So Moms, when you feel that desperation to which you feel you need to give a voice, give it a voice, and channel that frustration into seeking your source and finding fulfillment.
May you all be written and sealed for a good and sweet new year.