I think one of the toughest parts of parenting is not getting and being involved with my kids, but knowing when to stay out of things and actually making myself REFRAIN from getting involved. As my teenagers get older, it becomes increasingly important that I let them handle things on their own and take on my role as observer and facilitator–and that isn’t a role that comes naturally or comfortably for me!
Parenting really is such a roller coaster and a tug-o-war–we are in this dance with our children and we have to learn when to step in and help out, when to offer suggestions and guidance, and when to let them work things out on their own. Meanwhile, our children also vacillate between wanting to be independent and doing things on their own and wanting a parent to step in and do the dirty work or protect them from the really challenging lessons. With teenagers, it can be such a rare and wondrous thing to actually be asked to help out, it takes all of my focus and dedication to decline and NOT swoop in and take over–despite the howlings of my fledgling teens.
One of the questions I ask myself before stepping in is whether or not this is a lesson or opportunity for my child to gain necessary skills or experience to carry into adulthood. Another question I’ve learned to ask is whether I will be doing something for my child that he or she can and should be doing himself. While it can feel wonderful to feel needed and I can convince myself how important, maternal and loving I am by helping solve problems, doing tasks and chores, running interference during disagreements, etc.–it may not actually be the most loving and maternal thing for me to do. The most loving and concerned thing for me to do may be for me to butt out and NOT get involved.
I remind myself of when my children were learning to walk and dress themselves and other early independent tasks. I wasn’t helping them if I continued to do things for them. Letting them struggle and figure out how to take those steps, or use a fork or work a zipper was actually the most loving and maternal thing I could do. Sometimes, good parenting means standing in the shadows and letting them do things for themselves.