Last week I was at a meeting of a group of parents who’ve adopted from Korea. The discussion turned to privacy issues.
Many adoptive parents are so excited about our children. We love to share their stories. We are eager to correct stereotypes about adoption. (When you’ve seen babies three to a cradle in a baby home, you feel like buttonholing people on the street and asking them if they’ve ever thought of adopting!) People ask us about adoption. We are eager to give them information, to reassure them, but also to be honest so that an adopting couple will know what they are getting into (or at least know that they can’t know what they are getting into) so a child isn’t further traumatized later. Extended family members are naturally curious about the child who is to become part of their family.
It is easy to forget that we have a lot of context about our children when we share information. Others may retain only “fetal alcohol exposed”, “abandoned”, “violent background”, or whatever. They may be unable to shake old prejudices about “bad seed” or they may worry unduly about traits like addiction or promiscuity being passed on somehow. Or they may share information “with just a couple closest friends” who then share with their friends or children, etc.
It’s easy to forget that things shared cannot be taken back. Our children will not always be children. To what extent do they have the right to choose what others know of them?
My children attend a church school which is grades K-9. My oldest son started there when my youngest daughter arrived, so the families who met us then are families she will grow up around for the next fourteen years. We may think that a friend has understood when we tell her about positive adoption language, but her child could come out with some information about our daughter years later that our daughter might feel embarrassed to have generally known.
There is also the Internet, which is changing everything. Many new parents, both birth and adoptive, show pictures and stories via websites. Make sure your family and friends never give out the password to your website without your ok. Those of us who write in agency newsletters which end up online, speak at meetings whose minutes end up online, post in online communities, must realize that things remain on the internet and available to search engines for a very long time. None of us know what the state of Internet privacy will be in the future, but in the present I have heard of employers running searches on job applicants’ names to see if any red flags come up. And can’t you just imagine a fourteen-year-old Googling classmates’ names for some juicy gossip?
On the other hand, we want to promote adoption. We don’t want to hide. We want to be real people. On this site, I write using my maiden name. I wanted to feel like myself and not like I was hiding behind a pseudonym. I think anyone who knows me and comes across these blogs will figure it out, but my main goal is that the kids’ names not be searchable on an internet search engine.
We are very open about the girl’s adoptions with them. I still tend to err on the side of being too open with everyone, but I know I must tread carefully as the girls grow up.
See these related blogs:
When the Lady at the Cosmetic Counter Knows More Than Your Kids Do
How to Support an Adoptive Family
Protecting Your Child’s Identity