Have you ever had a lesson that you have sincerely struggled over? This seems to be that lesson for me. As I have studied Elder Bednar’s talk, and scriptures related, I find myself in full agreement. When someone at church says something offensive (which is rare), I can easily shake it off. It is when the people close to me hurt me that I struggle most. I understand that I need to remove anger and resentment from my feelings, but how does one manage not to be hurt when offended by those you most love? I have struggled with this question for years.
The first thing I did today was look up the definition of ‘offended’. Perhaps no hurt feelings were associated with the definition (I was hoping). But dictionary.com defines offended as something which causes ‘displeasure, anger, resentment, or wounded feelings.’
Drats. Looks like I really will have to try to fix that problem.
For the rest of my lesson preparation, I hit the Topical Guide and searched for agency. After all, if we can choose to be offended or not, that means we are exercising our agency in our lives. Many of the scriptures I found (and I only got to the end of 2 Nephi) provided opportunities to choose either wickedness or righteousness. But as I studied, I tried to apply these to hurt feelings.
As I thought about my personal situation, I realized that most of the times I am offended are when people are simply thoughtless. Very seldom is malice involved in their actions or words. I would venture to guess that most hurt feelings come simply from thoughtlessness on the part of the offender.
What can we do when someone acts or speaks without thinking? Well, of course we can choose to be hurt, upset, and angry. Or, we can choose to recognize that the problem lies with them, particularly if they are consistently thoughtless. When I was a child, I was hurt by the fact that my father would forget my birthday. As I grew older, I realized two things: first, birthdays were never a really important thing to him, and second, he forgot pretty much everyone’s birthday. That said, once the issue was addressed, he has taken great pains to remember birthdays since then. In fact, he was the first person to call on my son’s birthday this year. I was quite proud of him.
At the same time, I have come to realize that people involved in my life are consistently thoughtless. They are thoughtless with the rest of their family. They are thoughtless with their friends. They are thoughtless with the people they work with. Their actions are consistent across their relationships; it is not simply a problem or failing with me.
But most importantly, as I have studied, I realized that Christ is more powerful than anyone I know. When someone makes a thoughtless remark, I can be hurt and wounded, or I can utilize the power of the atonement in my life and take the opportunity to feel Christ’s love in my life. I can choose to remember that, no matter how this person – acting maliciously or just thoughtlessly – treats me, Jesus loves me and would take away my pain. And then I can let Him.
I hope that, in time, I can make this a regular response when someone says something unkind. I know this will take a great deal of prayer on my part, but I also want to be as Joshua and choose to serve the Lord (Joshua 24:15). It is my hope that, with the help of the Savior, I will soon find myself slow to feel offended.
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