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Rule Number 3: Change is a Catch-22

Change is one thing every relationship is going to encounter. Perhaps my fellow blogger Heather Long summed it up best when she answered a reader’s question with the sage words: change is inevitable.

What is Change?

The word “change” has a lot of meanings. I never realized that until I started writing this and looked it up in my Webster’s.

It can mean change as in currency. Or an action, like changing your clothes or types of transportation (like changing from a subway train to a bus).

But change as it applies to a relationship can have utterly different meanings.

Change You Have to Deal With

People change as they age. It’s a part of life.

We change because our circumstances do. Maybe our environment changes, either the locale or the people in it (i.e. we move, babies are born, family members and friends die). Because of circumstances, dreams and goals change as well.

In order to absorb the changes happening around us, we must change. It’s called adapting.

Certainly any changes an individual faces will have ramifications for a relationship they’re in.

Example

Take Wayne and I. Last year he took a new job in Florida so we put our house on the market and made plans to move. His change of jobs created big time change in our relationship.

Namely, we endured a commuter marriage situation. Then he had a change of heart and moved home.

That was a lot of change. First learning to live apart, then learning to live together again. But we adapted.

Changes You Can’t Expect to Make

When there are circumstances in your life you don’t like, you can change them. Don’t like your job? Switch. Dirty underwear? Change it. Burnt out light bulb? Change it. People? Well…you can change who you’re spending time with, but you can’t change the person themselves.

The only thing you can ever change person-wise is yourself. You can change your response to the quirks, and hopes it influences a change that way, but never, ever expect to change your partner. Unless you want a relationship rife with conflict, that is.

That’s why I say change is a Catch-22. You have to both be able to do it and roll with it while also refraining from wanting to make changes.

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Relationship Rules

Rule Number 1: No Such Thing As a Perfect Marriage

Rule Number 2: You Get What You Give