Writers are often told to show, don’t tell. In the world of parenting when communicating with our kids we should tell, don’t ask. In the book, What Did I Just Say!?!, by Denis Donovan and Deborah McIntyre, parents are encouraged to say what you mean and mean what you say. If you are trying to get your toddler to come and sit down next to you, for example, you shouldn’t ask if he wants to come and sit next to you, you should tell him to come and sit down.
When I noticed this book in the library I grabbed if off the shelf because I find myself saying that exact phrase to Tyler about ten times a day. As the authors explained, when we ask our kids, “What did I just say?”, we’re not issuing an instruction, we’re asking a question. I might tell Tyler to pick up his toys and then when I return and find the toys still on the floor instead of telling him to pick up his toys, I will ask, “What did I just say?” Somehow, I hope that he will then get up and do what I asked him to do but in most cases, he does not. It happens again and again. The objective in parent-child communication is to be clear and direct.
Another example is when we ask, “How many times have I….?” Again, this is a question not a command. If your kids are arguing with each other instead of saying, “How many times have I told you two to stop arguing?”, you need to say something like, “I want the two of you to stop arguing right now.”
If you pay attention to the way you communicate with your kids you will probably find that sometimes you ask when you really should tell.
See also:
The 3 C’s of Effective Communication
Do You Talk To Your Kids or At Them?
Words You Should Use Everyday With Your Kids