I began my parenting career back in the early 1990’s when it was very out of fashion to tell children “No”—the advice of the day was to explain things to children, provide alternatives and distractions, but not to be too “negative.” I could never quite get on board with leaving out the world “No.” In the first place, I thought speaking clearly and in short statements to toddlers was the way to go. In the second place, the real world says “No” all the time and we have to learn how to deal with it and have a clear understanding of boundaries and limits. So, I went the middle way—offering explanations and distractions, but definitely saying “No.” I just made sure when I said “no,” it was appropriate and I meant it.
I think it is important to send crystal clear messages to our children and that we should only set rules we can enforce, offer consequences we are willing to follow through on, and say “no” when we really mean it. Saying “no” and then giving in or letting go sets up some pretty sloppy boundaries and unclear limits. Of course, I am definitely not perfect (and who among us is?) and there have been times when I have initially said “no” and then either changed my mind, or we’ve had a good discussion and negotiation and I’ve come to another conclusion. As my children have gotten older and things have had a tendency to become more ambiguous, I’ve learned to refrain from saying “yes” or “no” until I have really investigated something from all sides. This saves me from having to retract a “no” or a “yes” once it has already been given.
Of course, my kids are normal kids, and my having established a pattern of setting a firm “No” does not keep my kids from trying to get me to change my mind. I’m usually able to settle things with a simple, “My answer is no. Please don’t ask me again.” This doesn’t necessarily mean we don’t have anger and fits, but I know that they know when I actually reach a “no”—I mean it.
See Also: How About a Gentle Nudge and How Good Are You At Setting Limits?