Communication can be such a big deal and when it comes to saying what needs to be said to our child or children, it can be tough to know what needs to be done. One area where we can get into trouble is when we say what makes us feel better or what we want to say, instead of taking into consideration what it is that will actually make our children feel better or will be helpful.
I find that when I get into power struggles with my children I am most likely to say things that I will regret. When I get frustrated or angry, I want to lash out and say something that feels like momentary relief for my feelings. This is seldom exactly what the child needs to hear, nor is it often something that makes the situation any better at all. Instead, I say something that feels good coming out of my mouth for an instant, and then takes even longer to fix or retract.
Additionally, when we are comforting or consoling our children, we have to think beyond our own triggers and issues and take the child’s personality into account. What do THEY respond to? What do THEY need to hear in order to feel reassured or comforted? I am not advocating just saying whatever we think our children want to hear instead of being authentic and present, but I am trying to stress that we need to get outside of ourselves and think about things from the child’s perspective. Instead of the platitudes and clichés or saying what we think a “good parent” would say, we have to get personal and genuine and put our communication on a level that is actually tailored for the individual child. Our goal is to do what is best and helpful for them, not always what feels best for us.