Sending Clear Messages Parents Families.com

Naughty, good boy, lousy attitude

What do these messages mean? When we tell our kids that they are being naughty, to us it’s clear cut what we mean. But kids are concrete thinkers and often the messages that we send to them are not as clear as we think. As a goal, parents must learn how to send clear messages to our kids that they understand.

In the book, Common Sense Parenting, by Raymond Burke and Ronald Herron, the authors offer a great chapter on how to send clear messages. They tell us that we have to tell our kids exactly what it is we want them to do and how to do it. We have to also be clear when we tell them what they have done well or what behaviors need correcting. When sending messages, parents should be specific, focus on what their children are doing or saying and then describe their child’s behaviors.

Behaviors are actions that can be seen or heard like talking on the phone, rolling eyes and talking back. Behaviors can also be measured such as the length of time your son lounges on the couch after you have told him to take the dog for a walk. Calling someone lazy is not describing a behavior. Laziness is a perception because you can’t measure how many times a person has been lazy. So when we call our kids lazy, hyperactive, naughty, etc., we’re not sending a clear message of the exact nature of the problem.

How you send messages to your kids is also important. The authors suggest we do the following:

(1) Have your child look at you; eye contact is vital for sending clear messages.

(2) Use a tone that fits the situation.

(3) Pay close attention to your body language and facial expressions.

(4) Try to talk to your child without unnecessary distractions like the TV, other people, etc. This may mean that you have to take your child to another room in the house where you can talk.

(5) Try to position yourself at eye level with your child so that you are not standing over them. When you hoover over a young child this can be very intimidating to them.

(6) When giving messages avoid statements like “act your age”, or “be a nice boy”. Instead use clear statements like, “When we get to church I want you to sit still and not talk” or “Don’t chew your food with your mouth open”.

Finally, the most important thing we need to remember about sending clear messages is to make sure our children know that we are displeased with their behavior and not with the child.