This is the second article on Mebe – an adult male sexually abused as a child. To read Mebe’s background story, click here. When Mebe chose his fictious name for this series of articles, he originally decided upon Moby. He reasoned that he looked like Moby Dick – large and whale like. Although he laughed at his own comparison, there was a degree of shame and embarrassment attached. After our brief discussion about his name, he pulled a packet of sweets out of his bag and began eating them.
Mebe identified that sweets bought him comfort. Nobody liked him, he was reclusive and sweets were the only thing he had to look forward to. He has viewed sweets as a reward because that’s what he used to get from the predator. In Mebe’s subconscious, he has associated sweets with his traumatic sexualization. Sweets make him feel better, particularly when he talks about his past. Sweets also help him to cover his body and shame, literally, by stacking on the pounds and layers of fat.
There is a saying that we crave the poison that kills us. Smokers know that smoking is bad for their health but the cravings for nicotine are greater than the craving for sopping. Same with Mebe, he knows that the sweets are aiding his Moby like state but he cannot stop just yet. The sweets have created a vicious circle of sourness.
When Mebe looks at himself in the mirror, he hates what he sees. He becomes angry and resentful and externalizes his anger to his childhood predator. To make himself feel calmer he eats the poison that is killing him. By eating the sweets, he is reminded of how the predator used to bribe and reward him. Feeling disgusted with the thoughts, Mebe eats another sweet and covers his body with clothes that also make him feel uncomfortable – long sleeves and trousers in the tropics are awful! Because he’s hot, he tends to stay in air-conditioning. Mebe doesn’t have air-conditioning anywhere but his bedroom so he lies on his bed, eats sweets and watches T.V or reads books about sadness and gloom. Lonely and desperate for human contact, Mebe eats sweets to make himself feel better or ends up befriending other lonely people who hurt him further because their issues are similar to Mebe’s.
It is common for children who have been sexually abused to form a faulty comfort connection between a trigger associated with their abuse. While they may have hated what was happening to them, they sought immediate relief from something, anything, that soothed their soul. Breaking this cycle of dysfunction can be very difficult. Until people have functional alternatives to faulty comfort strategies, and support to remind them to engage in a new comfort behavior, the crave for the original comfort behavior is HUGE.
Like Mebe, many women survivors of child sexual abuse complain of being over weight. They hate it, they crave to be like others, they want to wear close fitting clothes and look nice, but the energy required to break the cycle may be too great. Normal diets don’t work because diets work on a physiological level, whereas the reasons for being over weight are often emotional. Until the emotional world receives some sound nutritional assistance, the over burdened person becomes sucked back into the realm of comfort eating.
This is the power of the dynamic of a predator. He doesn’t have to be around to wield his control and affect. He just has to be in the mind of a person trying to get on with their life. Mebe, I know you will read this and my message to you will again be reinforced. Starve the predator. He gets bigger and more powerful every time you eat his rewards. Deny him, not yourself, the sweetness of life. He deserves nothing and you deserve the life you may have had if it wasn’t for his torture of you.
Come out of your air conditioning and sample a life worth living. The current smells of mangoes and frangipanis are divine. There are good people in the world waiting for you, unburden your mind by engaging in activities that involve these good people. Eat sweets with them if you want, but eat sweets because you want to, not because that predator still has control of you. Break the sweet power of that predator and you will break through the glass ceiling of abuse.
Are you a survivor who struggles with your weight? Can you make a connection between covering your body and early abuse?
Remaining connected to people is imperative to good mental health. Send Mebe a message to let him know that he is not alone, that the world does care, and that he has support he never even dreamed of.