Something I have been trying to focus on as a parent of a preschooler is not to make my child feel ashamed about bad behavior and herself. That’s a hard thing to do. However, I want her to grow up to be a strong, confident woman, that loves herself. I feel like shaming can harm the spirit of young children.
It seems like I’ve heard a lot in the media lately about mothers doing just that. There was one Mom who made her teenage son stand on a street corner with a sign for several hours a day, reading, “I only answered 4 questions on my F-cat and have a 1.2 GPA. Honk if I need an education”. She feels it is the only way to get through to him and help him realize how important his education is. But, to me, I can’t help but think, shaming him is not going to help him want to do better!! It is only going to make him angry and resentful. Another story I heard that broke my heart was of a Mom that made her 7 year old take cold showers when he misbehaved. She was recently on Dr. Phil, and a media frenzy surrounded that story.
Parenting a strong willed child can be difficult, but anger, and shame is never the answer. We need to teach our children through encouragement. Helping them understand that we have faith in them that they can make better choices. It is hard not to lose your cool as a parent. When children are 3, 4 and 5 years old, they are especially sensitive. They have already developed many personality traits that they will carry throughout their lives. Not to say that bad parenting cannot be undone, but it is important to remember that shaming is not the answer. Love is.
When you’re in a situation with a willful 4 year old, who is stomping her foot and yelling “NO!” It is easy to want phrases to fly out of your mouth like, “Why are you so bad all the time?” “Why don’t you ever obey?”, but these kinds of phrases only make a child feel less worthy. They make a child feel shame. Instead, parents should try to just change their phraseology a little, and say something like, “I know you can obey the first time I ask you.” or, “You are so good at cleaning your room by yourself. I know you can do it!”
If we can stop and think before we speak, we can often come up with a better way of phrasing criticism so that the child feels encouraged, and loved. Hopefully, they will want to make the right choice to fulfill our positive expectations. Hopefully, they will believe that that they can do it, they are good enough, and they will do better next time.
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