“How could she just abandon her child like that?”
“How can I tell my child she was abandoned?”
“How can I ever speak positively of my son’s birthmother when it breaks my heart to think of my son being left alone?”
“I was abandoned when I was two months old.”
Many children who were adopted from other countries have papers stating that they were “abandoned”. Parents who adopt from any country, including the U.S., have people comment “How come his parents didn’t want him?” or “How can these people just abandon their kids?”
(Note to people who have asked me this question privately: I sympathize with your concerns, even if misinformed. Note to people who have asked me in front of the kids: Get a clue. Imagine how it feels to be talked about as if you are not there, especially when what’s being discussed is if someone felt you ought to exist in their life. Even commenting on what special people we are for “rescuing” these kids sends them a message that their beginnings are totally no good. Besides, we’re the lucky ones to be blessed with these kids.)
But now that we’ve addressed the issues of thoughtless comments, I’d like to provide some background information on the subject of “abandonment”.
In the U.S., we hear the word “abandonment” and envision a baby found in a dumpster or a restroom at the fast food joint by the highway. No wonder it’s an ugly word.
But we risk distressing ourselves and our children unnecessarily if we assume that “abandoned” means the same thing in other countries. “Abandoned” is a legal term in those countries. Even if the child was literally found on a doorstep, one must understand that many countries have no system for placing a child for adoption the way a U.S. birthmother can. In China parents may even be punished severely for having a second or third child, whether they keep the baby or not.
Abandonment is simply the only means of placing a child for adoption in many countries. The babies are often left on the doorstep of a hospital or police station, or in a busy area where he or she is certain to be found soon. Often the birthmother or relative hides nearby to ensure that the child is found. (Moses’ mother and sister Miriam were driven to these actions too, remember?)
Almost every birthmother—not every one, but almost—wishes on some level that she could keep her child, even if she is not able to care for him or her, even if she cannot control her own emotions or mental state and endangers her child. A child never needs to feel unwanted. Even in the case of children who were abused, adoption counselors suggest telling the child, “Your mom didn’t know how to ask for help. When she hit you and the bruises were on places people could see, I think that she wanted people to see them and help you.” The book Real Parents, Real Children provides sample scenarios for talking to children of various ages about different adoption situations. To see my review of this book and purchasing information, click here.
In other countries, most birthmothers are not in that extreme situation. Birthparents who would never think of leaving their children in harm’s way may “abandon” them to get them to a safe place. We save ourselves and our children much distress if we understand this.
Please see these related blogs:
Who Are the Birthparents Who Place Children for Adoption? Part One
Who Are the Birthparents Who Place Children for Adoption? Part Two