A Dutch adoptive family recently located their daughter’s Chinese birthparents. Their identity and story was confirmed by DNA testing. It is the first known case of Chinese birthparents being found.
The Dutch couple says they were motivated by their daughter’s “persistent interest” in her birthparents to use the media in Chongqing, China to search for her birthparents. There is actually quite a lot of controversy in the adoption community on whether adoptive families should search for their children’s birthparents.
Many of us have now seen examples of open adoption—now the norm in U.S. domestic adoptions—in the lives of our friends and families. We know that medical histories are more important than ever as more and more conditions are linked to genetics. We are frustrated by the little things we do not know. Even if we have a relatively good birthparent medical history, it doesn’t include details like allergies and learning disabilities, special talents, quirks. We want to reassure those who sacrificed for our children that the children are healthy and happy.
One adoptive mother who searched for and located her child’s birthmother in Russia believes that it is an ethical imperative to give your child as much information about his/her origins as possible, that it is important to “do unto [the birthmother] as you would have her do unto you” and reassure her about her child, and that early and continued communication is best but at least adoptive parents should lay the groundwork for future communication. For her full account of her experience, including practical tips, click here.
But many adoptees and professionals feel there are strong reasons for adoptive parents to wait for the adoptee to take the lead. They point out that the adoptee has had no choice or control about their birth or placement, but they can have control over whether or not there is a reunion. They mention the emotional issues that may be caused by a reunion—disappointments or unmet expectations, or the complexity of managing an ongoing relationship between families of different cultures and usually unequal circumstances.
I was at a workshop several years ago in which the speakers were adoption professionals—an agency worker and a psychotherapist– who had themselves been adopted, one internationally and one domestically. Most of us in the room were adoptive parents who had been told how important it was for our children to know their heritage. Many of us wanted to (or at least thought we should want to) go ahead and get as much information as possible as soon as possible. We were surprised that both of these women strongly advised that the role of searcher should belong to the adoptee, not the adoptive parents.
Many of us expressed the fear that contact would be lost if we waited. The presenters, who were focusing mostly on Korean adoptees, indicated that in their experience, this fear was a product of our American mobile society and was unlikely to be much of a problem in Korea. I don’t know if this holds true for other countries, or how long it will continue to hold true for Korea.
On the other hand, many professionals believe that children can integrate information about their identities best if they learn it between ages 10 and 14, while they are still firmly attached to the adoptive family. They can then integrate this information into their self-concept gradually, as they grow, with support from their adoptive family. They point out that age eighteen, which many people regard as the time to search, is actually a psychologically vulnerable time for young adults.
No one can tell you what is right for your family. But adoptive parents should be aware of the issues and attempt to educate themselves about positives and complications that may arise from searching.
Please see these related blogs:
Belonging, Identity and ‘The’ Reason Why: How I Decided Not to Search for My Birth Parents
Belonging, Identity and ‘The’ Reason Why: How I Decided Not to Search for My Birth Parents (cont’d.