I was talking the other evening with a woman whose husband and she were starting to explore the process of adoption. They were anxious and eager to find an agency and get the adoption process rolling. The couple asked a number of the usual questions that I am asked about the adoption process, such as length of wait times, expenses, and how to decide on an agency. The wife then asked a legitimate question that I had not been asked before. Would a birthmother choose another family if the prospective adoptive parent disclosed that she had to return to work a few months after the baby was born? She explained that she had noticed on the family profiles, listed on the internet, that many of the women had noted they currently worked, but then added “Soon to be stay at home Mom”.
I could understand why she had that concern. When we were adopting I too had noticed how many women had put the same statements. Unfortunately, my husband and I were not going to be in a position where I could stay home for any longer than year, and that was stretching it. After all, we were living in New Jersey where the cost of living is high, we also had a nice house we bought so we could eventually fill it with children, and financing an adoption was expensive. In addition, I enjoyed working and wasn’t sure I would be ready to completely give it up, but did this mean that my husband and I were going to be less appealing to a potential birthmother if I stayed at home?
This of course is an individual answer and will be answered differently for each expectant woman who is making an adoption plan. For some the answer will be “Yes, I want a family where the adoptive mother will be home with the children for a length of time”. For other potential birthmothers there will be an understanding of the need for a two income household, and what a two income family can provide for a child.
When a potential birthmother is choosing a family, she is considering many different qualities and charcteristics of the family. These will include, but are not limited to physical characteristics, religion, hobbies and activities of the couple, the house and neighborhood they live in, their values and beliefs, as well as whether the adoptive mother will stay at home or return to work.
Will your wait be longer if you are going to return to work? This is not a question that can be truly answered. I’m sure it has a lot to do with timing, luck, and fate. When considering the pool of expectant mothers one can’t say how many at a certain time will want a mother to be home instead of working. At one point it could be 2 out of 20 potential birthmothers who would like the adoptive mother to stay at home, at other times it may be 10 out of 20.
When you are in the phase of waiting for a match I believe that not only do you need to trust God and fate, but you need to trust the birthmother in that she will choose the right family to parent her child. In the end it will be her decision if she would prefer the adoptive mother to stay at home. But are you at any disadvantage if you go back to work. I don’t believe so; the birthmother will choose a couple because she believes that all around you are the right family to parent her child.