We talk a great deal about sibling rivalries, fighting and tension here in the Parenting blog, but what we don’t give much space to is how supportive and encouraging siblings can be for each other. Those sibling bonds can be strong and for those of us parenting more than one child, there may be things that we can do to help siblings learn to love, depend on and enjoy one another…
Years ago, a friend of mine referred to my three children as “cheaters”—it didn’t apply to how they played board games but it was her take on how they argued. She said she hadn’t ever been around a family where the siblings could fight and communicate so passionately, and then make up and be buddies an hour later. My kids really can have the heated debates, but I notice that they are also always there for each other and are incredibly close—even with their differences and disagreements. I have to admit this was conscious on my part. I hoped and worked to make sure that they would be bonded with each other in addition to me. How?
Well, I made up my mind early on that I was not going to make comparisons, and that I was going to be as fair, inclusive, and equal with my children as possible. We celebrated both similarities and differences and I worked hard to make sure that it was never presented as though one person’s temperament or personality was preferable. I also decided that I was not going to intervene in squabbles, territory disputes, and arguments unless absolutely necessary and when I did—it was a unilateral disarmament. Instead of trying to figure out who did what to whom, I would simply remove the offending toy, or they would both (or all three) lose the privilege or have to change the situation. They soon learned that if mom got involved, everyone lost, whereas if they worked it out on their own, they had a better shot at compromise and getting at least part of what they wanted.
I think with sibling bonding, differences and space are as important as togetherness. By ensuring that each of them could be their own person, have their own possessions and respecting each person’s space, they were able to come together on less stressful terms. Their shared history is important, but so is their individuality. I see now that it is the fact that they all three feel like individuals that makes it possible for them to be so supportive and enjoy each other’s company. Not to mention, they know they don’t have to compete with each other for my love and attention either!
Also: Siblings Blaming Siblings