I have had a few years to get used to this single parent, dating and socializing scene. I know that some of you may think that I am “down” on dating because I tend to be someone who is perfectly happy with her life as it is now and not at all willing to give that up for something less than fabulous—BUT, I do date and I am open to the possibilities. One thing I have found is that over the years and with all of the experience dating I have, I have learned to be much more discerning and a little easier-going at the same time. Mostly, I have just learned to ask better questions and be open to what is actually being said (verbally and non-verbally) and I’m learning to do less projecting and transference. We have to decide what is important to us, what we really want to know, and how to ask the questions to gather that information.
I am not talking about a quiz or a hard-driving test. After all, dating and socializing are supposed to be fun activities, not non-stop hard work. But, we can gather information from dates to find out if they are people we want to invest time and energy into getting to know better; if we want to establish a friendship only; or if they really aren’t the sort of people we need in our lives or associated with our families. I have found that most people are really comfortable talking about what was wrong with their ex (or exes) and what they are looking for in a relationship. They can talk about their jobs, goals, and childhood with great ease. What I want to know, however, is what are they willing to offer in a relationship? I find it very telling when someone is telling me all the things that were wrong or right with their ex, for example, to ask them how their ex would describe THEM? When they start telling me all their great qualities as if it is a job interview, I like to ask them what their friends would say about them or what sort of a child they are to their grown parents. It is far more interesting and I learn much more about them!
The key to good single parent date questions is to get outside the ordinary and see if you cannot find out more about who the person really IS—not who they are trying to project as a good first impression. Of course, we have to be willing to give as well as get, and open up our own true selves as well.
Also: The “Idea” of Children and Family Vs. the Reality
Take Time to Figure Out What You Really Want & Need
A Little Stimulating Conversation Would Suit Me Just Fine