I’ve written several blogs on behavior and discipline, but sometimes it’s best to get back to basics. As parents we need to occasionally refresh our memories about the no-nonsense, ABCs of keeping things under control. These principles will work with children who have all kinds of disabilities or behavior problems. You’ve already heard all these points in different ways at different times. But how are you doing, really? Have you drifted into an anything-goes mentality, where you just react angrily to whatever your kid is doing? Is it time to reassess your parenting technique?
Here are Six Universal Rules of Discipline:
1. Any bad behavior that persists is working.
Does your child keep screaming for what he wants? Is the screaming driving you mad? He points, yells, hollers, and shrieks? Are ear plugs a part of your normal attire? Well, somehow those screams are getting him a positive result. He’s used that tactic and been successful, so why not keep doing it? Time to look closer at the situation. What is it your child wants when he misbehaves? How is he getting it with that behavior?
2. Punishment only cuts back on the problem a bit. It does not teach a replacement behavior. (It doesn’t “cure” it.)
Punishing a child makes him feel bad, instead of motivating him to do good. It’s like pain reliever for a broken arm. It doesn’t solve the underlying problem. Rather than spank, scold, or punish, why not take time to teach? What behavior would you rather see? How does that behavior “look?” How could you motivate your child to do it that way instead?
My littlest daughter has been whining a lot. I’ve found I can’t just tell her to “stop whining.” She doesn’t automatically know what to replace it with. I have to demonstrate: “Say, Mommy, I’d like a cookie please.”
3. Consistency is the Key.
Empty threats will make the situation worse. If you promise a consequence, you must follow through. You should discuss consequences with your child and then make them happen, every time, without fail. “Hitting someone will get you 20 minutes on the naughty stool.” Discipline should be so predictable that your child knows exactly what’s going to happen when he misbehaves.
4. Individual events don’t matter nearly as much as patterns.
If your child has one bad day, or acts out of character on one occasion, don’t be terribly concerned. Deal with the misbehavior with a consequence and move on. But patterns of bad behaviors need your close attention. You’ve got to examine what is usually happening just prior to the behavior, and what is reinforcing it afterwards.
5. Before your child’s behavior will change, YOU have to change.
You must do something differently. You must create a new consequence, rededicate yourself to consistency, or come up with new motivators for good behavior. If you maintain the same stance, using your exact same responses, it’s not going to get better. Trying out new strategies is a trial and error process. You might need to experiment with a few different things before something works.
6. Things always get worse before they get better.
When you buckle-down and get tough, your kid thinks, “I used to get my way when I threw a tantrum. Now it’s not working. I guess I’ll throw a much bigger one.”
Stick to your plan, and don’t give in. Grit your teeth and clench your fists, then take a deep breath. For several days your child might seem like the most poorly behaved boy or girl on the planet. Don’t underestimate his or her ability to manipulate you. Remain firm and eventually you’ll tame your child’s inner-beast.
Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here. Some links on this blog may have been generated by outside sources are not necessarily endorsed by Kristyn Crow.
Related Articles:
When Your Child Throws a Tantrum in Public: 4 Steps to Regain Control
“Lady, Get Control of Your Kid!”
The Magic Train Book: How I Motivated My Autistic Son to Sit Quietly in Church
“You’re Not My BOSS!” Oppositional Defiant Disorder