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Our culture believes that couples who sleep in separate beds are either experiencing or inviting problems in their marriage. Because I’m a light sleeper, I’m a firm believer that couples should be free to sleep separately if necessary. Jon and I almost always sleep together, but if one of us is restless we move to another bed, to keep that person from being woken up.
I know that sleeping in the same bed improves intimacy. Once kids are part of the equation alone time between couples is scarce, and time in bed together, even if it’s just the process of getting ready for and going to sleep, can be very valuable. I’ll admit I’m saddened at the thought of having a permanent separate bed away from Jonathan. But I like to think that if I wasn’t getting enough rest due to sharing the bed with someone else, I’d do what I needed to in order to get enough sleep. A well-rested spouse is a much happier, and thus better, spouse.
I’m not the only one who thinks so. An MSN article shares details on the growing separate bed trend. The National Association of Home Builders predicts that by 2015, 60% of custom built homes will have two master bedrooms. A U.S. survey by the National Sleep Foundation found that 25% of couples sleep apart, and a similar study in the U.K. found that there 1 in 10 couples do the same.
Sleep strugglers: take heart. It’s hard to make the decision to go for separate beds when there’s such social stigma attached to it. We’ve come a long way from the days of Ricky and Lucy: now our media overwhelmingly presents happy couples sleeping in the same bed. Even depictions of characters engaging in one-night-stands often have the two sleeping in the same bed that night, even if they just met each other or have no intention of staying involved.
We shouldn’t let media representations dictate our relationships. We should do what’s best for our marriages. Sometimes that might mean doing things that don’t jive with the accepted social stigma, but the only way to change that stigma is for more and more people to act against it. What works for one couple might not work for another, and as long as you’re open and honest with your spouse, and both of you are content, then you’re doing it right.
We’re healthier when we’re well-rested. If the side effects of sleeping in the same bed with another person – one or both person’s inability to sleep due to noise, heat, blanket-stealing – interrupt that on a regular basis, it could ultimately do more harm to the marriage than good.
I’m lucky that most of the time, Jon’s a heavy sleeper; he doesn’t move around and my doing so rarely keeps him up. I’ll admit that sometimes when he is restless I’ve snapped at him, because I’m sleep-deprived and not at my best. If this happened on a regular basis, I’d move myself into another bed, because I’d rather not run the risk of losing my sleep and biting his head off all of the time.
Jon and I made it just two weeks into our marriage before we started using separate blankets. I’m a blanket hog, and it was the most effective solution to the problem. If we ever had major problems sharing the same bed, then I’d get another one. If sleeping in the same bed just doesn’t work, try separate beds. You can always try other ways to improve intimacy, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed for doing so.
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*(The above image by Phil and Pam is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.)