If you are lucky, your parents and extended family will be almost as eager to greet the new family member as you are. But for children who have lost their connection to a trusted caregiver, they should have a period of time to adjust to their new parents, and have their new parents meet all their needs, before adjusting to other people in their lives.
We chose not to have a big arrival party at the airport, just my father. My father greeted us first, then welcomed my daughter in a soft voice and did not try to touch her. At home, she played near him on the floor. He played with her a bit, slowly and quietly and following her lead. The baby was asleep by the time Grandma arrived, much to her disappointment, but we let her sleep. When she woke up her brother helped me feed her a bottle.
We stayed home for much of the next ten days, just letting her get used to our home and to the three of us. She grieved, but she turned to me in her grieving. Clearly she knew what a mother was and that they could be turned to for comfort. The holidays were ten days later. We took her to my aunt’s party one night, church the next, my parents’ the next. Grandma wanted to hold her. The baby calmed for Grandma once while I was in the next room briefly, but cried for me when I came back in. Grandma wanted me to go back out so the baby would learn to trust her. I said no, not yet. (I was happy to let her hold the baby, but I wanted the baby to be able to see me and know I would pick her up again if she needed me to.)
She got a chance to bond with Dad for a while when my toddler and I got a mild case of food poisoning, but for the most part Dad didn’t push it—we let her bond with me, and about six weeks later she started going to him voluntarily.
Personally, my husband and I chose to curtail activities as much as possible for a month after each family member arrived—after our wedding, the birth of our son, and the adoption of our daughter. (Our youngest arrived from Korea just as the oldest was starting kindergarten so it was a bit more hectic. Fortunately she had come from a large extended foster family where she was taken on frequent day trips, so she was more comfortable than our older daughter had been.)
It may be necessary to explain to grandparents, friends and family ahead of time that the child should remain primarily with her parents until she clearly knows who they are and trusts them to take care of her. You can explain to grandparents that they may hold the child with you right there, but you will take her if she cries. Tell them that you look forward to a time when the child can do special things with them, but it’s important to make the child comfortable first. Of course, if you have an older child one of the best things grandparents can do is help that child feel special and not neglected while you bond with the newest child.
At first it is hard for grandparents to understand when they also have waited a long time to cuddle a grandchild. But with background information and assurances about the role you hope they will play in your child’s life in the future, everyone should be able to put the child’s needs first. If not, then you as parents must put your child’s needs first—ahead of your own friends and parents, if necessary.
Please see these related blogs:
Acceptance of Adopted Children by Extended Family
Not the Acceptance that Was Expected