Who am I?
I know, this sounds like one of those cliché questions that people ask when they’re trying to “find themselves.” But I’m not being existential here; I’m talking about the headspinning confusion that comes from being so many things to so many people (and animals!).
They say that people with ADHD (of which I’m one) have trouble with “transitions.” Transitions are times when it’s necessary to switch from one activity or task to another. Apparently people with ADHD don’t handle these adeptly; we’re slow to stop what we’re doing and then slow to start the new thing we’re supposed to be doing. (This is one of the reasons why we tend to have trouble meeting deadlines and being on time for things.)
Still, I don’t think you have to have ADHD to be dizzy at the number of “personas” we single parents must often assume. To illustrate my point, here’s who and/or what I’ve been in the past couple of days:
- Mother
- Girlfriend
- Cook
- Teacher
- Animal caretaker
- Writer
- Personal finance manager
- Businesswoman
- Neighbor
- Friend
- Sister
- Sister-in-law
- Student
- Patient
- Repair/maintenance person
Don’t you think it would be difficult for just about anyone to constantly switch from role to role and back again? And it’s not as though we’re given “transition time” to take off one hat and put on another. The caps fly through the air nonstop, touching down randomly when it’s time for us to assume a new role.
That’s why I started this with “Who am I?” When I’m trying to be one thing for one person, I’m always feeling pulled to be something else for another person. When you’re being yanked all the time in multiple directions, it does get hard to know sometimes just exactly what you’re supposed to be doing – or being – at any given time. In fact, you can get to the point where you feel so torn that you can’t make a move at all.
And then there’s the guilt: the guilt over not being quite able to manage “just” a few more roles. I feel guilty every time I look at the stickies on my computer because they’re reminders of the roles I’ve yet to take on.
One admonishes me to call back the second cousin who phoned last week. Another one points out that I still owe an e-mail to the high school friend who contacted me via one of those “classmates” sites. An exceptionally guilt-inducing one notes that I need to contact a college friend who wrote me a lovely note after my father died – five years ago!
Organization, they say, is the key to managing life’s conflicting demands. I still don’t quite see how being better organized will help with role juggling, though. It’s not as though you can inform ______ (fill in the blank) that you’re not scheduled to be animal caretaker or friend or cousin until 2 p.m. Real life can’t always be planned.
Maybe it doesn’t really matter who I am. Maybe what matters is that I’m who I’m supposed to be, when I’m supposed to be.