I have written before about “joiners and loners” and how challenging it can be for parents and children when their social temperament do not match. But, it occurred to me that we parents have a tendency to think that we can change and mold our children more than we probably can. Some children are just natural extroverts or introverts and it is as much about temperament and personality as anything else. In this day and age when being labeled a “loner” can be cause for concern about one’s antisocial tendencies, it might behoove us to remember that some children are just naturally and healthily loners.
As parents in a very active, socially-focused, busy time—it can be hard for us to determine whether our child’s behavior and temperament is normal. We might also worry that there is some underlying physical or mental issue (are they having trouble hearing or seeing? Are they overly-sensitive to noise and such?) that makes our child seem quieter than others. And while sometimes, there is a “reason” that a child seems more of a loner than others, other times, it is just the child’s natural temperament.
I am of the opinion that if parents trust their instincts, they will have a good idea whether there is something “wrong” with their child or not. If we are in touch with our gut feelings and are in tune with our child, I have faith that parents can sense whether something is normal or not. But, we do live in a modern era where we have been trained to trust “experts” and others before trusting our own intuition. It is completely normal for a child to want to spend time alone and for very imaginative children, they actually might prefer big doses of “alone time” where they can play, imagine, create worlds and stories, read, etc.
Of course, parents can strive to introduce balance and make sure that children get the opportunity to develop social skills and make friends—but a child who is more of a loner may prefer one or two good, like-minded friends to the bustle of parties and groups. This is okay. As long as we stay involved and watch out for signs of distress or red flags that might indicate something larger than temperament is at play, we may just need to adjust and embrace the individual social style of our child.