The truth is, when children choose to repeat annoying or unsavory behavior, there is a reason. They are getting SOMETHING out of it. As parents, we try to influence them to give up the bad behavior–we may use positive rewards, take away privileges, etc. in an attempt to change the behavior, but if the child clings to the “bad” behavior then there is something more that he or she is getting from it than what we’ve been able to offer. This is where the investigative part of parenting comes in as we try to determine the motivation for the child’s behavior–what is he or she getting from it?
I know that sometimes we just won’t be able to figure out why our child is doing a particular behavior, but often, with some time, focus, and investigative skills we can. It helps to not be trying to always look for logical reasons since children are not always the most logical creatures! Look at the big picture and see if you can see what rewards the child might be getting…
Attention? Peer support? Is the child creating a diversion to keep the attention off of other parts of his or her life? Does the misbehavior or choices the child is making have rewards that we can’t see? Even if a child professes to WANT to change and then doesn’t, it is important to note that the pull of what they are getting for continuing to act out is stronger than any rewards or punishments we might be handing out (maybe there are too many rewards and punishments and they have lost their power?). There is a reason, and it is up to us as parents to try to figure that out–it just may take some time and creativity. Don’t forget that in serious situations, there are counselors and therapists who may be better able to find out the child’s motivation that we are.
Also: It’s Okay to Be Diverse With Discipline
Do Your Kids Actually Know What is Expected?
How Good Are You At Setting Limits?