As kids get older, one of the ongoing arguments or debates that parents and children tend to have is the “You don’t trust me—It has nothing to do with trust” argument. Back and forth it goes as children strive for independence and parents try to find that balance between trusting and letting go, AND being responsible and involved parents. It can be confusing for some of us to know where to draw the line and what is okay—where do we really stand on spying, checking up, and trust?
There are so many things about parenting that can bring up our own old issues. I know for me, I can really remember well what it was like to be a teenager—what my thought process was like, how I saw my parents and other authority figures, etc. But, now I am the mom, not the teen and I can’t help but see things from that perspective too. When it comes to trust issues, it isn’t nearly as black and white as it seemed to me when I was sixteen.
Parents have various belief systems on this one—some think it is fine to go through a child’s room, read a diary or journal, others don’t. Now there are devices that can be purchased and put in cars, video surveillance, and other high tech ways of checking up on kids when they are away from home. How big of a role does trust play and where should parents draw the line in terms of keeping track of what an older child is up to?
In my own mind, I use safety as the gauge—for example, if I were to suspect drug and alcohol use then I would feel justified in a room search. Otherwise, I respect my kids’ privacy and am not going to go rooting around in their rooms. I will trust them to be out where they say they are until curfew or the agreed-upon time. A year or so ago and I would call and check in or have them call me as soon as they got someplace. Now that they are older (almost 17 and 18)—they generally call me and check in and I don’t follow up unless I don’t hear from them.
I do think it is possible to stay involved and diligent as a parent and still be building trust with our kids, but it isn’t easy! What do you think? What is okay for a parent to do and what are parental behaviors that may make things worse?
Also: Learning to Trust Our Own Judgment
Trust Me Mom!–Angela McAllister