As noted yesterday, over the next few posts I will describe the stages of grief along with potentially beneficial ways to work through that particular stage while experiencing the breakup of a relationship. The stages of grief are not always experienced in a systematic order and often a person can be in more than one stage at a time. For the purpose of these articles, I will treat each stage as a separate, easily identifiable step in the healing process.
Anger is potentially the most volatile of the stages of grief. People can easily and quickly move through anger to rage. Rage can equate to anger + destruction. The destruction can be to property, another person or his/her feelings or even ourselves. When in this stage we often ask ourselves “Why is this happening to me?”
Often the underlying emotion behind anger is fear. For people experiencing divorce, this emotion can manifest itself through that gnawing pit in the stomach that starts to flutter and ache when you think about how you are going to pay next month’s electric bill now that more than half of your income is gone.
Repressing anger is common, and can be less harmful than rage at least at the outset, but can result in long term health and other problems. A healthier option in expressing the anger is through redirection. Find something to do that is positive that helps soothe the angry energy you may have. Perhaps this will be in repainting your walls, taking up golf, walking, or taking a class, or helping an elderly neighbor with his or her needs.
Children especially at younger ages may find it difficult to express how they feel. Older children may be angry all the time, and have trouble expressing their anger appropriately. If you don’t want to end up with holes in your walls or holes in their hearts, find something positive for your children to do. During times of intense conflict or anger surges, have the children do something as simple as dig a hole in the back yard. This physical exertion will take the heat out of the moment and redirect potentially bad behavior. Karate or other sport, or artistic class could be a good investment to help children deal with their anger more creatively.
Eventually, over time coming to deal with the issues and seeking to resolve them is the ideal in working through the anger stage. This will take time and a lot of work, and perhaps the help of a professional through group or individual counseling.
For more on information about anger and other health issues please go to the Families.com Mental Health Blog.