Blending a family is, hands down, the most difficult part of re-marriage. Even if one spouse has children, the blending is usually difficult, sometimes painful, and occasionally impossible. Add kids from both sides and difficult ex-spouses and you’ve got your hands full!
Here are a few tips for better step-family blending:
- Family meetings: hold a weekly family meeting when all the kids and adults can be present. Family meetings give kids an opportunity to air their feelings, focus on their accomplishments and feel like a family unit instead of just visitors. For more on family meetings, read this article.
- Family Rules: It is never too late but preferably before marriage, both adults should sit down and hammer out a list of rules. If you already know that you and your spouse are on different pages in terms of parenting style, rules, discipline, etc you will want to go into this process ready to compromise and spend a lot of time to make a list that works for both of you. If you are generally on the same page, involving the children in the rule making can be a great step toward family unity.
- A United Front: You and your spouse should commit, up front, to stand as a united front to the children. This means that if Sally acts rudely toward her new step-Dad, Mom will not tolerate it and vice versa. This is often difficult, particularly for fathers of children who only visit occasionally, but is incredibly important. If the new husband and wife have not yet blended to become a team, the children will not blend to become a family.
- Rituals are Important: When major holidays and birthdays arise, blended families should consider incorporating both sides of the family’s former holiday rituals as well as creating new ones. The ability to combine past and present works to create a solid future and much happier holidays.
- Be Fair, not Equal: It is not possible or practical or even healthy to try to raise the children completely equally. Some children have special talents that others don’t. Some children have special needs that others don’t. Children of different ages will earn different levels of independence. Children who have participatory non-custodial biological parents may child support, receive gifts, vacations and other material and physical offerings that other children may not. Don’t try to over-compensate or make things equal (for instance, taking your child to every movie that your step-child’s biological mother takes them to). Instead focus on each child’s individual strengths and reiterate that they will all have different opportunities and experiences but that they all even out in the end.
- Focus on the Marriage: The most important think you can do is to keep the communication flowing with your spouse and focus on your marriage. Take frequent breaks from the kids to enjoy each other, alone. Don’t attack or criticize your spouse about issues concerning the family. Be willing to compromise but stand up for yourself and don’t allow yourself to be disrespected. If the marriage is healthy, the blending will happen in its own time and way.