Judging by the number of times that concerned parents write into the forums here at Families.com about issues concerning the relationship between children and their step-grandparents, this is an issue that is not going to go away. It is a sign of the times. The grandparents today are from a generation where divorce was less common and blended family issues just didn’t exist. But those days are gone. It is said that blended families will soon be the most common type of family in the U.S., outnumbering even nuclear families. Good, bad or indifferent, parents and grandparents need to understand blended family issues in order to avoid hurt, chaos and dysfunction during the difficult blending process. A little education and compassion goes a long way!
By far the most common complaint from new blended families about their extended family dynamic is that the step-grandparents tend not to treat their new step-grandchildren the same as they treat their biological grandchildren. Here are a few pointers that parents and grandparents can reference to make sure that children are being treated with love and acceptance from day one:
- Be equal.You are all a family now. Step-children are well aware that they weren’t born into your family. They also did not have a choice about being married into your family. Every child should be treated as if they are equal. This means equal gifts, equal time, equal traditions, equal love, and equal interest. Many grandparents feel conflicted becuase they feel that equalizing their efforts will mean taking away from their “first” grandchildren. But even “first” grandchildren quickly notice the differences when they are skewed toward them and it puts them in an uncomfortable position within the family. No one likes to be a “favorite” (think teacher’s pet). Everyone just wants to be loved equally. Never mind the hurt and sadness that a dejected step-child will feel when there is blatant or even subtle favoritism within the ranks. However, equal also means not going to the opposite extreme and spending even more time with the new grandchildren in an attempt to win them over. This will not help anyone in the long run! If there is one thing you can do as a new grandparent in a blended family it is to be equal in all ways possible.
- Put aside your feelings about the children’s parent. Many problems occur when, typically, a husband remarries a woman that his family does not embrace (or a woman that does not embrace his family). Grandparents can mistakenly take this lack of harmony out on the new grandchildren by treating them as disdainfully as they feel they are treated or as they feel toward their child’s new spouse. Remember, the children are innocent byproducts of adult decisions. If you can’t put aside your animosity for your new daughter- or son-in-law, you still must focus on having a wonderful, respectful relationship with your new step-grandchildren. Perhaps the relationships between adults can be healed as a byproduct of the wonderful relationship you can develop between yourself and your new grandchildren.
- Let them call you “Grandma”. Or “Grandpa” or whatever pet name the rest of your biological grandchildren call you. Unlike the parental terms “Mom” and “Dad” which are often weighted with loyalty issues for step-children, the terms “Grandma” and “Grandpa” won’t cause a rift in the family, loyalty issues, jealousy or conflicting feelings. They will personalize the relationship and encourage the feeling of equality that is the goal during the blending process.
- Get to know each child individually. Because children enter a step-family at a wide rage of ages – very rarely as infants- it can be a challenge to figure out the best way to get to know them, bond with them and love them. Grandparents should make time in their lives to get to know each child as an individual. Spend time alone with each child, share things you love to do and learn about things the child is interested in or loves to do. Attend school plays, sporting events, or band performances. Share your history with each child and ask that they share their own histories. By spending a little bit of time at the onset, by showing the child that they are of interest and a priority in your life, you can fill in many of the voids that time and history have stolen from this child’s life with you up until this point.
- Don’t partake in the competition game. In my family, my biological children from a previous marriage have five sets of grandparents, my biological child from my current marriage has four sets of grandparents and my step-children have a whopping six sets of grandparents. Since many of the sets of grandparents in a blended family situation will never have the natural opportunity to meet and get acquainted, it sets the stage for unnecessary and unhealthy competition. A grandparent might feel as if they see their grandchild so little that they need to compete with all the other unknown sets to make a mark in the child’s life. They may feel a need to be competitive about gifts, time, holidays, vacations and more. Parents need to set firm and healthy boundaries for their families and grandparents need to understand that there is never a reason to be competitive and the only result of competitive grand parenting is that everyone loses out.
- Don’t fear loss. Often grandparents consciously or inadvertently view the new blended family as a temporary establishment and treat both the new spouse and the new children as blips on the radar screen. Ironically nothing erodes a family’s sense of togetherness faster than being treated as if they are simply a temporary conglomeration! While divorce is a possibility, it is not ever the intention of any new family to end in divorce. All new families should be treated as if they will last forever. The very act of doing so will increase the possibility. Although the thought of loving a child that you could lose through divorce in the future might be scary or seem fruitless, the child will not think so. Put your own emotional needs and fears aside and focus on what is best for these new children in your life. Assume they will always be there and they probably will!
Bottom line, all new relationships take effort and a learning curve. Grandparents don’t choose these new relationships – they are thrust on them by their child’s choices. Similarly, new grandchildren also are thrust into these new relationships without a choice. You have that in common! However, grandparents are gifted with life experience and wisdom which can be used as a building block for blending and bonding and creating a wonderful relationship built on respect, equality and love.